Does Dementia Trump Marriage Vows?

by Ashley

As the population ages, more people will have to face the situation Jim did a few years ago.  After forty-something years of marriage, Jim's wife moved into a nursing home after her dementia progressed too far for Jim to care for her at home.  Every afternoon, Jim visits Anne and knows that she sees him and recognizes him, even if she can't talk to him.  After months of visiting Anne, Jim met Nancy who was at the same nursing home visiting her incapacitated partner.  Nancy's partner died, and a few months later she and Jim started going out for dinners.  Eventually, Jim moved into Nancy's home.  Jim still visits Anne, and does not allow Nancy to go with him.  The couple works hard at setting boundaries that make sense for them.  Still, the arrangement is unusual.  Jim is in his late 70s and Nancy is in her late 60s, Jim is still married to Anne but living with Nancy.  Jim's children support his decisions, but know that their mother would not approve.  Even Jim acknowledges that Anne wouldn't like what he is doing, but that it makes sense to him.  The two women are not the same, he told NPR, and he cannot evaluate their relationships as "apples to apples."

NPR's "Day to Day" spoke with Yale philosophy professor Shelly Kagan about the moral problems that arise when one spouse is incapacitated and no longer lives at home.  Is this "cheating?"  Kagan is quick to point out that these questions are not nearly as strait forward as they may at first seem.  Nobody questions a widower dating again, but Jim is not a widower.  Still, Anne is not really "Anne" anymore.  If dementia has progressed significantly, which it has in Anne's case, her existence is questionable.  Jim treats her as though she still exists, it isn't just a body that he is visiting.  If she doesn't know what is going on, then is Jim really doing anything that would hurt Anne?  Kagan indicates that even this isn't a simple issue of "what you don't know can't hurt you."  Since Jim knows Anne would not approve, then the possibility exists that it could hurt Anne even if she does not know.  The harm, Kagan believes, is slight compared to the happiness that Nancy and Jim bring into each other's lives.

As the population ages, and Alzheimer's becomes more prevalent, this is surely an issue that will come up in more and more families.

Comments

[A writer]

I believe you mean to use "then" instead of "than". They are not the same word.

[Ashley]

Thanks for your eye! I've made the change and appreciate your help.