Dr. Shirley P. Glass explained in a recent iVillage article that after a spouse cheats, detail questions about gifts, time, and other things can be an entryway into a deeper understanding of the marriage before (and after) the affair. Glass' article outlines 10 questions to ask your parter (or yourself) about the affair. Here, I just want to touch on one:
What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?
Instead of focusing on what the "other woman" was like, it is often much more helpful to look at what the unfaithful partner was like during the affair. Dr. Glass explains that:
New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.
When you try on another role, you may discover what your marriage is lacking. The betrayed partner may feel that they are unable (or unwilling) to change the patterns in their marriage or their personality. However, the infidelity can be used as a way to explore how some relationships "go stale," or need to evolve as people change.
Glass' questions range from "did you have unprotected sex?" to "what did you tell him/her about us and our family?" They provide a good starting point for the kinds of questions a couple needs to examine if they are going to forgive and forget. Of course, not all marriages can be saved. But if you and your spouse are both willing to examine the causes and effects of the infidelity, there is no reason to assume that an affair causes your marriage to end in divorce.
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