Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Even After Drunken Tape

By Ashley

David Hasselhoff won custody of his teenage children even after a tape was leaked that showed him drunk and trying to eat a hamburger.  Although Hasselhoff is excited about getting custody of his kids, the actor still has some anger about the tape's release.  People Magazine quotes Hasselhoff:

A private moment like that in anyone's life should never be exploited like that, especially if your children are involved. That's when this thing happened – that's when I said: Nobody plays that card.

The tape emerged on the internet to much jeering just as Hasselhoff's years-long custody battle with Pamela Bach intensified.  After Friday's hearing Bach fired her attorney and hired Mark Vincent Kaplan who represented Brittney Spears earlier this year. 

In mid-August the couple will come back to court for another custody hearing.  Their divorce trial is set to begin October 1.  For now, Hasselhoff says that his kids are ready to put all this, including the tape, behind them.

Too Drunk To Marry

by Ashley

Villagers at a wedding in India decided the groom had arrived too drunk to go through with the ceremony.  Reuters reports that the groom's eligible younger brother "readily agreed" to take the groom's place.

The groom later apologized, but is concerned that gossip about the incident will prevent him from finding another wife.

Verbal Abuse Versus Physical Abuse: Study Claims Tie

By Wendy

I noticed an article in the Los Angeles Times yesterday (here is the link to the New York times version), claiming that a study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that psychological torture is on par with physical abuse when measuring "long-term mental damage." The study grew out of questions about how the Bush administration has interpreted international and U.S. laws as they relate to interrogation of suspected terrorists. It was based on "psychiatric evaluations of 279 victims of torture and other abuses from the Balkan wars of the 1990s and showed that other types of ill treatment led to similarly high rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. The victims themselves rated the psychological tactics on par with the physical abuses they suffered."

What does any of this have to do with relationships?

Physical abuse grabs headlines when a relationship goes sour, but family law attorneys are very familiar with the toll that extreme verbal abuse takes on spouses. The consequences are frequently severe and long-lasting.

And now there is a study to prove it.

Mrs. Jason Kidd Uses Her Kid

by Wendy Jaffe Esq

Soon to be divorced New Jersey Nets basketball star Jason Kidd has accused his wife Joumana of "kicking, hitting, punching and throwing household objects"and becoming "increasingly controlling and manipulative" in the last few years of their union."

Even worse, Joumana allegedly used her eight year old son to "spy" on his dad.

According to the Jason Kidd's complaint, Joumana Kidd told the couple's 8-year-old son on Dec. 27 to sneak into the Net's locker room and rummage through Jason Kidd's locker to find his cell phone. After looking up the names and numbers on it, the complaint said she left her son behind as she went upstairs to take a front row seat, where she shouted insults at Kidd throughout the game.

If true, Mrs. Kidd hates Kidd more than she loves her kid.

Sounds Like A Bad Country Song

By Wendy Jaffe

The news media is buzzing about the divorce of country singer and Dancing With The Stars contestant Sara Evans. You can't blame the media. Thanks to Evan's incredibly detailed court papers, which included allegations of Internet pornography, provocative requests allegedly made by her Republican husband on Craig's List, and verbal abuse, it became a media perfect story. (National Enquirer and People magazine reporters are undoubedly working overtime this week!)  But it is also the kind of story that Evans did not need to make public.

It has been many years since a wife had to prove "fault" in order to obtain a divorce. Evan's only purpose in filing such a detailed complaint was to humiliate her husband. Of course, since the divorce papers are now in the public record, her children will have no trouble pulling up the divorce petition when they are adults. (And of course, all of the press over the case can be pulled up in two seconds via Google.)

Check out this video of a divorce attorney discussing the case on CNN. She does a great job of articulating the harm that these types of sensational allegations cause in divorce cases.

Sara's divorce complaint falls under the category of "Divorce Don'ts."

Mark Foley Brings Back Memories

By Wendy Jaffe

The story of Mark Foley, the Florida Congressman who is accused of sending sexual emails to male Capitol Hill pages, continues to dominant the news now that the Los Angeles Times has interviewed a former page who had allegedly had "sexual relations" with Mr. Foley after he turned 21. (I guess Mr. Foley is dumb, but not stupid.)

This story reminded me of two things.

First, it reminded me of my summers working on Capitol Hill when I was in college and law school. Mr. Foley did not invent the concept of hitting on the youth that swarms Washington every summer--it was already fairly common when I worked on "The Hill" twenty-something years ago. I encountered it when I met a Senator who I thought I would like to work for. I called his office to ask for an interview, and received a personal call back from that Senator. But it seemed that the Senator and I had different agendas. He was calling me to let me know that he was coming to Los Angeles. Apparently, he thought that I might be interested in "helping him out of his tuxedo" in his hotel room after he gave some political speech here. Needless to say, he changed out of his own tuxedo (or called some other young intern for help), and I ended up working for the Senate Judiciary Committee the following summer instead.

Second, it made me think about how the Internet has had a dramatic effect on how illicit relationships are handled. A New York City matrimonial lawyer named Norman Sheresky who I interviewed for my book told me that one of the problems with the Internet is that "people feel safe in an unsafe medium." Thanks to hard drives, extramarital relationships conducted over the Internet are permanently recorded. Of course, while this is often helpful for divorce lawyers trying to make a case, it is a big problem for the email lovers.

I'm sure this is not the end of the Mark Foley story, and stories like it.

Whitney Houston-Didn't We Almost Have It All?

  By Wendy Jaffe

OK, time to dust off your Whitney Houston CDs.

This once talented super-star, who apparently chose drugs and an abusive marriage over a fabulous career and over the welfare of her only child, made the not so surprising announcement today that she was FINALLY getting a divorce. There is still the question of WHO filed the dissolution papers, WHAT the dissolution papers allege (who do you award custody to if you are the unlucky judge who draws the case?), and WHY, after spending years in a dysfunctional relationship, the couple decided to call it quits now.

STAY TUNED.

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

by Wendy Jaffe

How do you make the final decision of whether to stay in a difficult marriage, and attempt to work out the problems, or make the heart breaking decision to ultimately cut the marital cord? Many writers, speakers, therapists, and relationships experts have addressed the stay or go question, but one writer in England, Susan Quilliam, tells the IVillage.com/UK website  that you need to ask yourself this basic question: Am I Scared?

I like that approach.

Are you scared of being hit again, verbally abused, or losing all of your money because your spouse is a gambling addict? Are you scared that that your spouse is abusing your children? Are you scared that you are going to get a call that your spouse was killed in a drunk driving accident that he or she caused?

Are you scared that you are going to contract a sexually transmitted disease because your spouse is a serial adulterer?

Are YOU scared?

Domestic Abuse is Real

by Wendy Jaffe

The popular television show Desperate Housewives has featured nearly every type of dysfunctional relationship known to mankind except for one: husband against wife domestic violence. The irony of course is that while murder, which is far less common than domestic abuse, is regularly featured on the show, domestic husband/wife domestic violence is, apparently, something too difficult for even the cutting edge writers on Desperate Housewives to tackle.

In his monthly Family Man newsletter, Gregory Keer takes a look at domestic violence, and suggests ways for a family plagued by the problem to seek help. Take a look.

The Clone Syndrome

by Wendy Jaffe

The Clone Syndrome is alive and well! Today, I was told yet another story of a woman who divorced a controlling alcoholic only to become engaged to yet another controlling alcoholic. ("He doesn't drink THAT much," she explained.) In short, her soon to be second husband is a clone of the one she recently divorced. So why do we tend to choose the same person over and again, and how does one break out of the Clone Syndrome?

According to Dr. Kevin B. Skinner, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, to create change, we have to learn how to break the cycle. He suggests sitting down and asking yourself the following questions:
a) Do I seem to date the same type of people? Make a list of the characteristics of the people you date. Are they emotionally healthy or unhealthy?
b) Do I do the same unhealthy things in my relationships (i.e., become jealous, become overly critical)?
c) What do I need to change to be more successful in my relationships?
d) Do I date people who are in need of me? Are you caught in the cycle of fixing others?

He suggests that as you review these questions, you take some time to write down your answers. Look at them seriously and identify the things that you need to change to be more successful in creating the necessary changes in your life.

And, most importantly, consider whether or not your current relationship is a "clone" of the previous failed one.