Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Questions to Ask When Recovering from a Spouse's Affair

by Ashley

Dr. Shirley P. Glass explained in a recent iVillage article that after a spouse cheats, detail questions about gifts, time, and other things can be an entryway into a deeper understanding of the marriage before (and after) the affair.  Glass' article outlines 10 questions to ask your parter (or yourself) about the affair.  Here, I just want to touch on one:

What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the "other woman" was like, it is often much more helpful to look at what the unfaithful partner was like during the affair.  Dr. Glass explains that:

New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.

When you try on another role, you may discover what your marriage is lacking.  The betrayed partner may feel that they are unable (or unwilling) to change the patterns in their marriage or their personality.  However, the infidelity can be used as a way to explore how some relationships "go stale," or need to evolve as people change.

Glass' questions range from "did you have unprotected sex?" to "what did you tell him/her about us and our family?"  They provide a good starting point for the kinds of questions a couple needs to examine if they are going to forgive and forget.  Of course, not all marriages can be saved.  But if you and your spouse are both willing to examine the causes and effects of the infidelity, there is no reason to assume that an affair causes your marriage to end in divorce.

Waking Up to Your Relationship's Reality

by Ashley

Five woman told MSN what the "wake up" moments were in their relationships.  All their stories are different-- for some it was issues with their step children, one had to come to terms with her husband's affairs, and still others had to learn to communicate-- but each couple faced fairly common problems.  The couples' responses to their situation were unique, some tried counseling, some split, and some turned to anti-depressants or personal therapy.

Although their stories brief, they provide an interesting insight into when relationships are worth fighting for and when it is best to cut your losses.  When these women had their "wake up" moments they knew if they were waking up to leaving or waking up to working on the problems.  Take a look at the MSN piece, do any of these situations sound familiar?

Does Dementia Trump Marriage Vows?

by Ashley

As the population ages, more people will have to face the situation Jim did a few years ago.  After forty-something years of marriage, Jim's wife moved into a nursing home after her dementia progressed too far for Jim to care for her at home.  Every afternoon, Jim visits Anne and knows that she sees him and recognizes him, even if she can't talk to him.  After months of visiting Anne, Jim met Nancy who was at the same nursing home visiting her incapacitated partner.  Nancy's partner died, and a few months later she and Jim started going out for dinners.  Eventually, Jim moved into Nancy's home.  Jim still visits Anne, and does not allow Nancy to go with him.  The couple works hard at setting boundaries that make sense for them.  Still, the arrangement is unusual.  Jim is in his late 70s and Nancy is in her late 60s, Jim is still married to Anne but living with Nancy.  Jim's children support his decisions, but know that their mother would not approve.  Even Jim acknowledges that Anne wouldn't like what he is doing, but that it makes sense to him.  The two women are not the same, he told NPR, and he cannot evaluate their relationships as "apples to apples."

NPR's "Day to Day" spoke with Yale philosophy professor Shelly Kagan about the moral problems that arise when one spouse is incapacitated and no longer lives at home.  Is this "cheating?"  Kagan is quick to point out that these questions are not nearly as strait forward as they may at first seem.  Nobody questions a widower dating again, but Jim is not a widower.  Still, Anne is not really "Anne" anymore.  If dementia has progressed significantly, which it has in Anne's case, her existence is questionable.  Jim treats her as though she still exists, it isn't just a body that he is visiting.  If she doesn't know what is going on, then is Jim really doing anything that would hurt Anne?  Kagan indicates that even this isn't a simple issue of "what you don't know can't hurt you."  Since Jim knows Anne would not approve, then the possibility exists that it could hurt Anne even if she does not know.  The harm, Kagan believes, is slight compared to the happiness that Nancy and Jim bring into each other's lives.

As the population ages, and Alzheimer's becomes more prevalent, this is surely an issue that will come up in more and more families.

Time to Know-Which Spouse is Hotter

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the epitomy of a couple who stayed within their hotness level. But what about marriages between say a 3 and an 8? How do those fare? Belinda Luscombe wrote a very funny piece for Time.com where she discusses the trial and tribulations of being a woman who is far less hot than her gorgeous husband. (Of course we see the opposite all the time...Donald and Mrs. Donald; the curly heading, "chunky" Chris from American Idol and his cute blond wife.)

Here is Luscombe's prescription for surviving such a mixed marriage.

"If you suspect that you might be in an interfacial marriage, don't be ashamed. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. Ask yourself these questions: Do you and your spouse disagree on how many mirrors should be in the home, what angle they're palced at and how well they're lit? Do you find yourself taking all the photographs at family gatherings and "forgetting" how to use the self-timer? If your spouse buys you some beauty products, do you take it as a kind of warning? Do you ever encourage your spouse to wear those pants that make hm or her look beamy?

These are all challenges that scummy-yummy couples must deal with to survive."

Crushes Help, not Harm, Marriages

by Ashley

That harmless crush on your coworker, spinning instructor, or local barrista may actually be good for your marriage.  Although we typically think that being attracted to someone other than our spouse is a sign of trouble, that isn't always the case.  MSN asserts that there are a number of benefits a crush can provide a marriage.  One expert quoted in the article explains:

When you have a crush on someone you are suddenly reminded of your own sensuality. You get that little tingly feeling you don't even want to do anything about. You know you don't actually want to be with this person for real. It's just great to know those feelings are there.

In a sense, having a crush will "turn up your pilot light," and since you aren't going to act on those feelings with your crush, you bring that energy home to your partner.  Crushes provide fuel for a healthy fantasy life, remind you why you feel for your husband or wife, and adds something to your daily routine that makes you happy-- you smile more!  Sex and relationship experts interviewed for MSN's article also say that the ego boost and window into your own sexuality can make you a better lover with your spouse.  The spark you feel for the object of your crush transfers into the bedroom with your partner.

It is important, however, to distinguish between these "healthy little secrets" and a crush that signals a real problem in your marriage.  A therapist outlines these guidelines for distinguishing between healthy and destructive crushes:

• Are you distracted from your squeeze by thoughts of your crush?
• Do you tell your crush things that you don't tell your husband?
• Are you with your crush -- even "just talking?" -- when you could be home?

If any of those are true it may be time to limit your interactions with your crush and explore the issues in your marriage driving you to seek attention elsewhere.  As long as you're in the healthy end of the crush spectrum, embrace the rush and use it to help your relationship.

Ryan Seacrest's "Ryan's Roses"

by Ashley

Ryan Seacrest has his own morning radio show here in LA; each week Ryan runs a skit called "Ryan's Roses."  The basic idea is that his assistant calls someone (usually a man) and claims that they are calling from a new florist in the area and want to send a dozen free roses to someone of his choosing.  Unbeknownst to the man, his girlfriend/wife/date is on the phone.  Apparently, if he sends the roses to her he is faithful and if he sends them to someone else, he is cheating.  This is not a perfect system, of course, but it does the trick and is certainly entertaining.

Last week a young woman asked Ryan to call her father, who she suspected is cheating on her mother.  Turns out, the father is cheating and the young woman is (understandably) very upset.  This morning Ryan and his morning show team called the mother and asked her how she was coping with this news. 

Of course, this is a highly personal situation, and the mother (it seemed to me) was not interested in going into too many of the gory details.  She did, however, emphasize that she didn't think this necessarily meant they would get divorced.  Rather, this indicated that they had a lot of work to do and some important conversations in their future.  Despite Seacrest's best efforts to drum up some drama (including accusing her of having low self-esteem) this woman remains calm-- a nice trait to posses when you're husband's affair is outed by your daughter on a major morning radio show...

Sara Evans' Latest Song and Dance

By Wendy

Sara Evans, the popular country singer who quit Dancing With The Stars when her marriage from Craig Schelske fell apart at the end of last year, is wrapping up the custody portion of her divorce case. The divorce made headlines after Evans accused Schelske of all sorts of things including pornography addiction. Schelske, not above the mud slinging, publicly accused Evans of having an affair.

The judge who was left with the unfortuanate job of deciding how custody of their three young children should be handled warned the couple to stop the negative rhetoric. "The Mother and Father will behave with each other and each child so as to provide a loving, sable, consistent, and nurturing relationship with the child even though they are divorced. They will not speak badly of each other or the members of the family of the other parent. They will encourage each child to continue to love  other parent and be comfortable in both families."

Now, if they will only listen....

Mayor McHottie in Hot Water

By Wendy

San Franciscans are typically thought of as open minded. Mayor Gavin Newsom (dubbed by someone other than me as Mayor McHottie) hopes that that open-mindedness will extend beyond his citizen's support for his liberal politics (allowing City Hall to issue marriage licenses to gay couples), to forgiving him for his admitted affair with the wife of his campaign manager. Although his blog is silent on the issue, in a press conference yesterday he conceded that everything that has been reported in the media--namely that he had an affair with his former appointment secretary Ruby Ripper-Turk who is married to his now former aide and campaign manager Alex Turk--is absolutely true.

(You have to admit that this is the ultimate in multi-tasking. Gavin: "Ms. Ripper-Turk. Please take down the following appointments: Sex with you in my office from 4:32 to 4:44. Shower from 4:45-4:52. Buff teeth/slick back hair 4:53-4:57. Meet with the governor from 5:00-5:15 to discuss....Got all that Madame Appointment Secretary?")

So how forgiving will his constituents be in November when he comes up for reelection? So far they have "forgiven" his divorce from wife Kimberly Guileful an attorney and Court TV newscaster, and his May-December romance with a 20 year old model/hostess who has the unfortunate name Brittani Mounts. But this relationship may have crossed a very weak line.

In an October, 2006 column by Marcus Baram posted on ABC.com concerning whether or not his relationship with Mounts, a woman who is not old enough to drink legally, would impact his career, the conclusion was that the relationship would not harm him politically at least on a local level. But ironically the column quoted political consultant Jack Davis as saying that there was a line that the mayor could cross that might harm him politically. "Of all the cities in the world, San Francisco would be the last place that would raise an eyebrow," says David. "If he was French-kissing a colleague, it might raise an eyebrow."

So now that his relationship with both a former colleague and the wife of an important current colleague it out of the closet, will eyebrows in San Francisco be raised?

Is a lifetime commitment possible?

By Wendy

Look what I found. Any of you that have questioned whether a lifetime commitment is possible need to spend two minutes watching this. And you might want to have tissue handy.

http://www.songofsongs.tv/partners/aol.html

The grass is not greener on the other side of the garden

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

It's very easy to get caught up in the 'Grass is Greener' mindset, especially with The Holidays fast approaching. Female friends of mine have uttered some incredibly unflattering statements to me the last few weeks. Take the following, for example: I was sitting in a coffee shop with a neighborhood friend recently when another woman with children at the same elementary school as our children walked in. My friend turned to me and whined, "'How could that ugly wench get such a gorgeous diamond and a handsome husband, too?'"

I immediately lost my appetite for both the hot java and my friend's company.

After that mom strode by our table and pleasantly bade us good morning as she made her way back to her brand new Volvo whatever-it-was, my friend muttered through clenched teeth, "'She probably even had sex with her husband last night and I can't even get my husband to take out the garbage.'"

Suddenly, I silently wondered what had originally attracted to this woman, this other mom I had truly once considered my friend and ally. However, over the years, I see many of my female friends becoming exactly what they swore they wouldn't: their own mothers. Sure, they might dress nicer, live in bigger homes and drive fancier cars than their moms did, but inside, they are jealous, shallow-minded people so caught up in besting everyone, they're wicked, depressed and incredibly boring to be with.

So for those who believe the grass is greener on the other side, I suggest dousing your gardens with fertilizer and letting the sun shine in. Not only might roots of love and friendship slowly overtake the tattered remains of once-fertile relationships, a new bud, in the form of a newly discovered friend, interest or hobby, might actually flourish where not too long ago the garden was bare.