Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Even After Drunken Tape

By Ashley

David Hasselhoff won custody of his teenage children even after a tape was leaked that showed him drunk and trying to eat a hamburger.  Although Hasselhoff is excited about getting custody of his kids, the actor still has some anger about the tape's release.  People Magazine quotes Hasselhoff:

A private moment like that in anyone's life should never be exploited like that, especially if your children are involved. That's when this thing happened – that's when I said: Nobody plays that card.

The tape emerged on the internet to much jeering just as Hasselhoff's years-long custody battle with Pamela Bach intensified.  After Friday's hearing Bach fired her attorney and hired Mark Vincent Kaplan who represented Brittney Spears earlier this year. 

In mid-August the couple will come back to court for another custody hearing.  Their divorce trial is set to begin October 1.  For now, Hasselhoff says that his kids are ready to put all this, including the tape, behind them.

Financial Obligations Tied to a Ring's Romantic Symbolism

Until the 1930s, writes Meghan O'Rourke in Slate.com, a woman jilted by her husband could sue for financial compensation for the damage to her reputation caused by a canceled wedding.  These cases were known as "Breach of Promise to Marry" actions.  During the 1930s these laws began to be overturned. 

As these laws faded away and judges awarded women fewer damages, the diamond ring became a symbol of a man's commitment (financial and otherwise) to marry his fiance.  Back then, a woman technically had to be a virgin if she wanted to marry.  Many women, however, lost their virginity during their engagement so a financial obligation was important.  The "Breach of Promise" actions were a way to prevent what people feared would be a promise-seduce-and-abandon scenario.

Now, however, most women do not consider marriageability (or their virginity) their major asset.  Further, most women imagine a marriage where housework, child rearing, and working are equally divided responsibilities.  Thus, argues O'Rourke, the ring is really a throw back to antiquated gender roles and an "outmoded commodity."  In addition, men do not have to wear a similar sign of commitment before the wedding day.  It is telling that in many Scandinavian countries, where gender attitudes are much more egalitarian, that both men and women wear an engagement ring.

When Husbands Are the "Moms" and Wives are the "Bread Winners"

Amy Sohn is a successful writer who has done TV plots, a novel, and magazine essays.  For a long time she dated men who needed to be taken care of, almost babied.  Then she met her husband, a man who always put those he loved before himself and had no problem living in (comparative) poverty to pursue a purist he loved-- painting.

When the two dated it was romantic that he cooked her dinner instead of taking her out (he had to because he couldn't afford to).  However, when the two moved in together, Sohn says in the New York Times, the difference in their income became an issue.  She paid all the bills, the rent, and often paid to take the couple out to restaurants.  He sold paintings and did the cooking, washing, and other house-work. 

Once the two married and started thinking about having children, the arrangement started to make more sense.  If Sohn's husband stayed home with their child, he would save them nearly $25,000 in childcare costs each year, not to mention that they would not have to worry about finding a suitable sitter or daycare facility.  When the couple's baby arrived Sohn was surprised at how "motherly" she felt, and letting her husband take care of their child while she worked full time suddenly felt harder.

Sohn explains that even though she made about five times what her husband made selling paintings, it felt strange to leave all day.  She would sometimes worry that their daughter would love her husband more, and feel envious of the women she saw raising children while their husbands returned to work.

Eventually the two found a way to make it work for them.  Although the couple has all the stress of a traditional marriage, even if the roles are reversed, Sohn explains that:

The upside of my financial burden is that I never feel guilty about working. So many working mothers I know are racked with guilt over missing time with their children because they are married to men who earn enough to support the family. But if I don’t work, we don’t eat.

Now Sohn's husband paints two days a week in his studio and has had a few successful solo shows.  It is a compromise that allows Sohn's husband to earn money doing what he loves, and Sohn can console herself that by having a sitter a few days a week, their daughter will never love one of them more.

Questions to Ask When Recovering from a Spouse's Affair

by Ashley

Dr. Shirley P. Glass explained in a recent iVillage article that after a spouse cheats, detail questions about gifts, time, and other things can be an entryway into a deeper understanding of the marriage before (and after) the affair.  Glass' article outlines 10 questions to ask your parter (or yourself) about the affair.  Here, I just want to touch on one:

What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the "other woman" was like, it is often much more helpful to look at what the unfaithful partner was like during the affair.  Dr. Glass explains that:

New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.

When you try on another role, you may discover what your marriage is lacking.  The betrayed partner may feel that they are unable (or unwilling) to change the patterns in their marriage or their personality.  However, the infidelity can be used as a way to explore how some relationships "go stale," or need to evolve as people change.

Glass' questions range from "did you have unprotected sex?" to "what did you tell him/her about us and our family?"  They provide a good starting point for the kinds of questions a couple needs to examine if they are going to forgive and forget.  Of course, not all marriages can be saved.  But if you and your spouse are both willing to examine the causes and effects of the infidelity, there is no reason to assume that an affair causes your marriage to end in divorce.

Young and Divorced-- The "Baby Divorcée"

by Ashley

Nobody expects it to happen to them, but more and more people in their twenties are getting married... and divorced before they turn 30.  MSN points out that the term for these young and divorced, baby divorcee, may not be flattering, but it does describe a growing segment of the population who a unique set of challenges.  Experts point to Generation X and Y's "one-click" mindset.  Today's twenty and thirty-somethings grew up with the idea of makeovers, that something new was always just around the bend, and that if you don't like something you can change it-- instantly.  But, as one author points out:

No one is saying that 20-somethings don’t mind being divorced — they do indeed — but they may be more willing to view divorce as a viable option than those who are somewhat older. And of course, there’s the fact that in early, brief marriages, there may not be children involved. That’s another factor that makes it somewhat less onerous for couples to break up.

Getting back into the dating world is tough for anyone.  Even though it is difficult, a person in their twenties actually may have it easier in the post-divorce dating pool.  More people in their 20s go to bars than people in their 40s, and are more willing to go outside their comfort zone.  Plus, if the divorcee doesn't have children, it can be much easier to balance dating with family and work obligations.

The real question for people in their twenties is when to disclose your marital past.  By your forties, divorce is common, but in your twenties there is a fine line between honesty and too much information.  One expert says there is no need to bring it up until you sense that there is a connection.  Hopefully, if you've divorced in your 20s, you will learn from past mistakes.  Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible skeleton in your closet if you're willing to acknowledge your past and move on.

Waking Up to Your Relationship's Reality

by Ashley

Five woman told MSN what the "wake up" moments were in their relationships.  All their stories are different-- for some it was issues with their step children, one had to come to terms with her husband's affairs, and still others had to learn to communicate-- but each couple faced fairly common problems.  The couples' responses to their situation were unique, some tried counseling, some split, and some turned to anti-depressants or personal therapy.

Although their stories brief, they provide an interesting insight into when relationships are worth fighting for and when it is best to cut your losses.  When these women had their "wake up" moments they knew if they were waking up to leaving or waking up to working on the problems.  Take a look at the MSN piece, do any of these situations sound familiar?

Does Dementia Trump Marriage Vows?

by Ashley

As the population ages, more people will have to face the situation Jim did a few years ago.  After forty-something years of marriage, Jim's wife moved into a nursing home after her dementia progressed too far for Jim to care for her at home.  Every afternoon, Jim visits Anne and knows that she sees him and recognizes him, even if she can't talk to him.  After months of visiting Anne, Jim met Nancy who was at the same nursing home visiting her incapacitated partner.  Nancy's partner died, and a few months later she and Jim started going out for dinners.  Eventually, Jim moved into Nancy's home.  Jim still visits Anne, and does not allow Nancy to go with him.  The couple works hard at setting boundaries that make sense for them.  Still, the arrangement is unusual.  Jim is in his late 70s and Nancy is in her late 60s, Jim is still married to Anne but living with Nancy.  Jim's children support his decisions, but know that their mother would not approve.  Even Jim acknowledges that Anne wouldn't like what he is doing, but that it makes sense to him.  The two women are not the same, he told NPR, and he cannot evaluate their relationships as "apples to apples."

NPR's "Day to Day" spoke with Yale philosophy professor Shelly Kagan about the moral problems that arise when one spouse is incapacitated and no longer lives at home.  Is this "cheating?"  Kagan is quick to point out that these questions are not nearly as strait forward as they may at first seem.  Nobody questions a widower dating again, but Jim is not a widower.  Still, Anne is not really "Anne" anymore.  If dementia has progressed significantly, which it has in Anne's case, her existence is questionable.  Jim treats her as though she still exists, it isn't just a body that he is visiting.  If she doesn't know what is going on, then is Jim really doing anything that would hurt Anne?  Kagan indicates that even this isn't a simple issue of "what you don't know can't hurt you."  Since Jim knows Anne would not approve, then the possibility exists that it could hurt Anne even if she does not know.  The harm, Kagan believes, is slight compared to the happiness that Nancy and Jim bring into each other's lives.

As the population ages, and Alzheimer's becomes more prevalent, this is surely an issue that will come up in more and more families.

You Have the Right to a (Divorce) Attorney

by Ashley

One Washington state woman believes that everyone should have the right to a divorce attorney.  The woman contends that she was in court, trying to get custody of her children, without any idea what she could say or do.  As a high school drop out with a GED and no legal training, she hadn't subpoenaed witnesses, did not know when to object, and had to cross examine her ex-husband and his new girlfriend.  The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that she told the judge: "I'm a good mother but a lousy lawyer."

The Washington State Supreme Court will hear arguments about whether people involved in custody disputes should be provided free legal consul.  The case has drawn the attention of the state's bar association and other groups.  Those who oppose the bill say that the state should not have to foot the bill for private court cases.  They further argue that this is not a constitutional question and therefore not the court's decision.  It should be decided by the legislature.  The plaintiffs lawyer responded by telling the Post-Intelligencer:

If the state's only interest is money, that's not necessarily going to outweigh the fundamental rights that a parent has in a very complicated proceeding.

Washington state law does allow for state funded attorney in some civil matters, but no state has a guarantee to representation in a divorce case.   The Northwest Women's Law Center and National Coalition for a Civil Right to Counsel support the right of parents to consul.  One member of the state bar association wrote:

Emotionally distraught parents are particularly ill-equipped to navigate the civil justice system against their former spouses, who may enjoy a substantial imbalance of power.

Embryos Raise New Legal Questions in Divorce Disputes

by Ashley

Infertility treatments are not easy.  They can take years, require daily hormone injections, and can become extremely costly.  For one Texas couple, their quest to have children eventually highlighted the trouble in their marriage.  After their fertility doctor called to announce the successful creation of embryos, Randy Roman decided that he could not go through with the procedure.  While he and his wife Augusta worked out their problems, they agreed to freeze the embryos.

Although the couple went to marriage counseling, it didn't work.  In 2003 they filed for divorce, 16 months after the embryos had been created.  They divided up property like any other couple-- she got the house, he got the big screen TV.  The one thing the couple could not agree on was the fate of the frozen embryos. 

The couple signed a form when they froze the embryos that gave the clinic permission to destroy the embryos if/when the couple divorced.  Augusta, however, wanted to take custody of the embryos and have them implanted while releasing her ex-husband of all parental (and financial) responsibilities.  Randy, however, said that he could not disavow his genetic off-spring, not matter what his relationship is with their mother.  The Los Angeles Times explains that most states consider embryos to be property with the potential for human life, not a human life which needs to be placed in one parents custody.

Many couples split up without any clear agreement about the fate of their un-implanted embryos.  Further complicating the situation is that there is, as yet, no federal precedent for settling such disputes.  The Los Angeles Times says:

To date, the top courts of six states have ruled in such cases. While the case particulars have varied, a trend has emerged. In general, the courts have held that the right of one ex-spouse to not procreate trumps that of the other to procreate.

As these kinds of court disputes become more and more common, there is a good chance that one will eventually come before the Supreme Court.  In the controversial Roe v. Wade decision the Justices avoided deciding when life began.  Augusta claims that she feels that she was already pregnant and that the embryos are her only chance for children.  Her ex-husband's lawyer says that defaulting embryo custody to the mother reduces men to the role of sperm donors in in-vitro fertilization and if his wife is allowed to have his children, he would not want to be forced out of their life.

Both Randy and Augusta have filed briefs with the Texas Supreme Court.

Young "Hills" Stars to Wed

by Ashley

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, both of MTV's "The Hills," are now engaged.  The 23-year old Pratt proposed to the 20-year old Montag on Tuesday at a Santa Barbara resort.  US Weekly reports that the couple's courtship, chronicled during "The Hills'" last season, was extremely controversial.  Montag and Pratt have only been dating 8 months, but a source told US Weekly that Montag was "over the moon."  Pratt proposed "on bended knee" with a diamond-encrusted platinum band with a pink stone. 

The couple's relationship has been dramatic, good fodder for reality TV.  Wikipedia reports that last season Montag got a negative reading on a home pregnancy test, but nevertheless told Pratt that she was pregnant.  He was supportive of the "hypothetical" pregnancy, but one wonders if the couple is mature enough to handle marriage.  Getting married early can significantly reduce the chances for a marriage to succeed.

The couple has not yet set a wedding date, and a representative for MTV said that the network does not comment on their stars' personal lives.