Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Maturity in Love Provides Stability but Requires Work

Maturity in love, as in life, is a hard won trait.  Larry James writes in a recent SheKnows.com article that maturity in love is comprised of the ability to judge a relationship on the "big picture."  In essence, it means that a person is ready to pass up the "I want it now" fun for a more realistic vision of your emotional needs and life.  In addition, James asserts that:

[Mature Love] is knowing that by working together, the state of unconditional love will present itself in the relationship and will mature with time. It is knowing that you grow into a love relationship. It doesn't happen all at once. Mature love partners seek new ways to help each other grow.

Maturity, says James, is the ability to stick with a situation-- even during the hard parts.  Adults who are constantly changing jobs, marriages, friends, apartments, etc. is immature.  Both partners must be in a position to fully commit to their marriage and the work it takes for a marriage to thrive.  This includes learning to side-step resentment, move beyond the expectation of "perfection," and trust each other.  In James' view, mature love can handle separate friends and interests because it is a celebration of the individual, not an attempt to pull away.

James closes his article by explaining that mature relationships are constant work and maintenance:

Maturity is the ability to harness your abilities and your energies and to do more than is expected in your relationships. The mature person refuses to settle for mediocrity. They would rather aim high and miss the mark than aim low and hit it.

Costs of Weddings Increase, Bridal Industry Grows, Costs Increase...

by Ashley

The average American wedding now costs $27,852, the average wedding dress over $1,000.  Keep in mind, that "pricey cities" like San Francisco or New York, actually have much higher prices on everything from dresses, to flowers and favors.  Author Rebecca Mead's new book "One Perfect Day" takes a hard look at the now $161 billion wedding industry and what it sells us, all of us, on.  For example, before the 1930s a diamond ring was not the de-facto engagement gift.  Salon.com recently interviewed Mead on the "bridezilla" culture, selling of "perfection," and the lost art of romance. 

Mead points out that marriage used to signal the beginning of a person's adult and sex life.  Now, however, many couples live together before marriage and have sex long before they have a commitment.  Thus, the over-the-top wedding ceremony/party has become a rite of passage itself.  Many couples, Mead says, say that this is the first real test of their bond.  People do need a sense of "wow, something really big is happening," and to get that in today's culture it may mean spending a lot of money.

Another interesting cause of this expanding bridal industry is, believe it or not, feminism.  The professionalization of weddings, work that used to be done by women, can now be outsourced to (more often than not) other women.  Nobody, for example, waxes their own legs or bakes their own cake if they can afford not too.  On the other hand, the phenomenon of the Disney Bride, women who rent Cinderella's coach for $2,500, is an interesting phenomenon.  In its infantilization and total embrace of the "princess complex," Mead asserts, actually creates a very childish idea of what marriage is like.

Finally, Mead says that some couples actually see an extravagant wedding as a kind of "insurance" against divorce.  She explains:

Not that [an extravagant wedding] provides the insurance, of course, just that there is a belief among couples, and it's probably not even conscious and perhaps not fully stated, that if we're going to do this and we really mean it, we're going to show how much we mean it by going all-out, and having our garlanded pet come down the aisle and all the rest of it. This is the generation who has seen so much divorce in their own families, or friends' families, and there's really a desire to not do it like their parents have.

Even if a bride wants to avoid the whole wedding "thing--" with all its drama and family baggage, there is an elopement industry.  It sounds simple, but ultimately Mead encourages her readers to participate in ceremonies and traditions that are meaningful to them. 

Talk First, Buy a Home Second

by Ashley

After the thank you notes are written, the gifts returned or stored, many newly weds think of buying a home.  Other than the "I do" this is the first real, big decision many couples make.  Don Patrick, a certified financial planner, told MSN that couples need to do some work on their finances as a couple before they look into a home.  He explained that many couples, caught up in the romance of their new lives together, do not understand that home ownership is a massive financial commitment.

Before new couples begin to look at homes, Patrick advises, they need to pay off as many of their bills as possible-- including wedding or honeymoon expenses and credit card debt.  If either of you had student loans, those should be addressed too.  In addition, both partners need to get full copies of their credit report.  Another thing many young couples do not think about acquiring is life insurance.  If one partner is hurt or killed, the insurance can help pay down (or off) the remaining mortgage on the house-- preventing the surviving partner from coming into debt.  One Realtor quoted in the story suggests trying to qualify for a home loan before you begin looking at properties.  In part, this will help you set a realistic budget.  Patrick suggests that couples have a very frank conversation about their finances, the length of a mortgage, and number of children the couple may have. 

Beyond just the financial considerations, couples should spend some time living together before buying a home.  This way, you will know your needs as a couple.  If one person is moving after the wedding, or changing jobs, or if the couple is moving to a new city, it is usually a good idea to live there at least a year.  It takes time to learn a city, and after a year you will know which areas fit you best.

Mostly, all the experts in MSN's article just say "talk."  Talk a lot, talk honestly, and talk realistically about buying your first home.

For Those Too Busy to Date, Matchmaking Makes a Comeback

by Ashley

Although you probably never have to buy your own drink, the life of a single celebrity is not all parties and dates.  The world of single A-listers gets smaller every year (Jen and Vince, Reese, K-Fed and Britney, etc.) which can give the world the impression that these people (celebrities are people too) are trapped in some kind of "dating round-robin."  However, the New York Times reports, some celebrities are now turning to high-end matchmakers to help them meet "civilians" outside show business.

According to one matchmaker, celebrity clients seek out the service "to discreetly introduce them to someone who is attractive, sane, duly impressed yet not star-struck."  All the matchmakers the Times interviewed sign confidentiality agreements, so they could not disclose the names of their clients.  Each hinted that tabloid regulars, big HBO stars, and "older" celebrities use or have used their services. 

One client explained that in Hollywood you meet beautiful women who are essentially airheads.  To meet someone outside the business, you've got to look in other places.  Female celebrities tend to look for "a man who is successful in his own right, especially an entrepreneur or “someone of power.”  Men, explained one A-List matchmaker, “are looking for someone who’s not a diva.”  Both men and women at this level of fame need to find someone comfortable with staying out of the limelight.  When you're hounded by photographers all day, begining to date can be doubly stressful.  A celebrity's "civilian" date needs to come to terms with the fantasy of dating a movie star versus the reality.  Most matchmakers say a desire for privacy is actually what drove their clients to use their services.

None of the matchmakers in the Times' article have set up a marriage yet, and their services don't come cheap-- over $20,000 for a year of service.

Transplant Brings Couple (Back) Together

by Ashley

Five years ago and after 10 years of marriage, Chip and Cindy Altemos agreed to separate, begin seeing other people, and begin divorce proceedings.  The two decided to split up because of the "woes and troubles" each had brought from their previous marriages.  However, when Chip was diagnosed with kidney failure Cindy offered him one of her kidneys.  She told the Associated Press "he was still my husband."

As a former phlebotomist Cindy knew exactly what Chip faced.  When they married, she knew he'd had juvenile diabetes and promised to be a donor.  She donated her kidney this February, and the transplant has ended talk of divorce.  This October the couple will celebrate their 17th marriage anniversary.  Chip explained:

We’re still together.  I guess just being around each other, we slowly fell back in love again.

Eloping to Ease Marriage Stress

by Ashley

Meg Cabot literally broke out into hives during a visit with her future in-laws.  The ER doctor told her it was the worst case of non-allergic hives she'd ever seen.  Getting all the family together in one room (her soon-to-be husband's conservative family and her anti-war family) suddenly didn't seem like it would make for the "happiest day" in her life.  Instead, Cabot and her fiance took a vacation to Italy.

Eloping isn't quite as easy as a drive-thru wedding in Las Vegas; there is still paperwork to fill out, and if you marry in another country (be it Italy or Mexico or Canada) you have to fill out some forms in duplicate.  Still, renting a cottage in Italy only cost $500 for the week, a drop in the bucket compared to the extravagant costs of many weddings.  When the couple returned to the US, Cabot tells MSN, some of their friends were shocked by this departure from tradition: no diamond ring?  No bachelor party?  No gift registry?

Still, Cabot says that eloping made their wedding day about them, their life together, and love.  Gone were the worries about flower arrangements, seating charts, hijacked invitation lists, gifts, showers, and who would be chosen as the maid of honor.  The ceremony was small, but ultimately Cabot believes that their marriage is about the two people in the relationship, not the 500 you invite and feed.

Aniston and Pitt swapping Relationship Tips

by Ashley

Today's National Ledger reports that Jennifer Aniston is counseling her now ex-husband, Bard Pitt, on how to de-stress and ease his marital woes.  Rumor is that Pitt has called Aniston, via cell phone, multiple times in the past week or so, and that Aniston is obliging.  She is not, the Ledger is quick to point out, telling Pitt to leave his fiance Angelina Jolie, but is instead offering support, advice, and comfort.

A source close to Aniston says that Pitt romanticizes the couple's time together and that Aniston believes they will, at some point, reunite.  For now, the insider says, Aniston is trying to consul Pitt as a friend rather than a former spouse.

Too Drunk To Marry

by Ashley

Villagers at a wedding in India decided the groom had arrived too drunk to go through with the ceremony.  Reuters reports that the groom's eligible younger brother "readily agreed" to take the groom's place.

The groom later apologized, but is concerned that gossip about the incident will prevent him from finding another wife.

Crushes Help, not Harm, Marriages

by Ashley

That harmless crush on your coworker, spinning instructor, or local barrista may actually be good for your marriage.  Although we typically think that being attracted to someone other than our spouse is a sign of trouble, that isn't always the case.  MSN asserts that there are a number of benefits a crush can provide a marriage.  One expert quoted in the article explains:

When you have a crush on someone you are suddenly reminded of your own sensuality. You get that little tingly feeling you don't even want to do anything about. You know you don't actually want to be with this person for real. It's just great to know those feelings are there.

In a sense, having a crush will "turn up your pilot light," and since you aren't going to act on those feelings with your crush, you bring that energy home to your partner.  Crushes provide fuel for a healthy fantasy life, remind you why you feel for your husband or wife, and adds something to your daily routine that makes you happy-- you smile more!  Sex and relationship experts interviewed for MSN's article also say that the ego boost and window into your own sexuality can make you a better lover with your spouse.  The spark you feel for the object of your crush transfers into the bedroom with your partner.

It is important, however, to distinguish between these "healthy little secrets" and a crush that signals a real problem in your marriage.  A therapist outlines these guidelines for distinguishing between healthy and destructive crushes:

• Are you distracted from your squeeze by thoughts of your crush?
• Do you tell your crush things that you don't tell your husband?
• Are you with your crush -- even "just talking?" -- when you could be home?

If any of those are true it may be time to limit your interactions with your crush and explore the issues in your marriage driving you to seek attention elsewhere.  As long as you're in the healthy end of the crush spectrum, embrace the rush and use it to help your relationship.

Baldwin Call Highlights Divorce Stress

by Ashley

The call is all over the internet.  Pundits, celebrity watchers, and parents everywhere want to share their opinions about Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, and their daughter Ireland.  Baldwin and Basinger married in 1993 and split in 2001 but are still involved in protracted legal disputes and custody battles.  The Los Angeles Times reports that last October Basinger was found in contempt of court for violating a custody agreement.  The couple had another custody hearing scheduled for May 4 of this year.

TMZ.com, which has the audio file of Baldwin's call, reported that Baldwin's spokesperson alleges the message was leaked against a standing court order.  Further, Baldwin apparently acknowledges that he should have used different language while parenting his child, but affirms (via his spokesperson) that Ireland is the most important person in his life.

Still, the message seems to hint at anger directed not towards Ireland, but towards Basinger.  Baldwin's spokesperson told TMZ.com that over the past six-years Basinger has done "everything she can to alienated Baldwin from Ireland."  For now, an LA Superior Court commissioner temporarily suspended Baldwin's visitation rights.  A hearing is set for May 4.  Basinger's lawyers did not comment for either the TMZ story or Los Angeles Times report.