Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Financial Obligations Tied to a Ring's Romantic Symbolism

Until the 1930s, writes Meghan O'Rourke in Slate.com, a woman jilted by her husband could sue for financial compensation for the damage to her reputation caused by a canceled wedding.  These cases were known as "Breach of Promise to Marry" actions.  During the 1930s these laws began to be overturned. 

As these laws faded away and judges awarded women fewer damages, the diamond ring became a symbol of a man's commitment (financial and otherwise) to marry his fiance.  Back then, a woman technically had to be a virgin if she wanted to marry.  Many women, however, lost their virginity during their engagement so a financial obligation was important.  The "Breach of Promise" actions were a way to prevent what people feared would be a promise-seduce-and-abandon scenario.

Now, however, most women do not consider marriageability (or their virginity) their major asset.  Further, most women imagine a marriage where housework, child rearing, and working are equally divided responsibilities.  Thus, argues O'Rourke, the ring is really a throw back to antiquated gender roles and an "outmoded commodity."  In addition, men do not have to wear a similar sign of commitment before the wedding day.  It is telling that in many Scandinavian countries, where gender attitudes are much more egalitarian, that both men and women wear an engagement ring.

Companies See Good Marriages are Good For the Bottom Line

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that more and more businesses are taking steps to help employees strengthen their marriages.

According to the Journal, "A small but growing number of companies have implemented training programs designed to help employees strengthen their marriages or other personal relatinships. Some companies are motivated by religious values to encourage strong marriages and families. But now, amid evidence that divorce and relationship stress can make workers less efficient, more companies have begun offering marriage training programs with an eye to keeping their businesses running more smoothly and profitably."

So how does divorce and relationship impact the bottom line? "Productivity lost from marriage...stress can cost employers some $6 billion annually, according to an estimate cited in a new report, "Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate American's Business?" sponsored by the Marrige CoMission, a marriage strengthening advocacy group in Atlanta. Another study cited in the report found that in the year following divorce, employees lost and average of four weeks of work."

Clearly, business is starting to see that investing in marriage will positively impact the bottom line.

Young "Hills" Stars to Wed

by Ashley

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, both of MTV's "The Hills," are now engaged.  The 23-year old Pratt proposed to the 20-year old Montag on Tuesday at a Santa Barbara resort.  US Weekly reports that the couple's courtship, chronicled during "The Hills'" last season, was extremely controversial.  Montag and Pratt have only been dating 8 months, but a source told US Weekly that Montag was "over the moon."  Pratt proposed "on bended knee" with a diamond-encrusted platinum band with a pink stone. 

The couple's relationship has been dramatic, good fodder for reality TV.  Wikipedia reports that last season Montag got a negative reading on a home pregnancy test, but nevertheless told Pratt that she was pregnant.  He was supportive of the "hypothetical" pregnancy, but one wonders if the couple is mature enough to handle marriage.  Getting married early can significantly reduce the chances for a marriage to succeed.

The couple has not yet set a wedding date, and a representative for MTV said that the network does not comment on their stars' personal lives.

Costs of Weddings Increase, Bridal Industry Grows, Costs Increase...

by Ashley

The average American wedding now costs $27,852, the average wedding dress over $1,000.  Keep in mind, that "pricey cities" like San Francisco or New York, actually have much higher prices on everything from dresses, to flowers and favors.  Author Rebecca Mead's new book "One Perfect Day" takes a hard look at the now $161 billion wedding industry and what it sells us, all of us, on.  For example, before the 1930s a diamond ring was not the de-facto engagement gift.  Salon.com recently interviewed Mead on the "bridezilla" culture, selling of "perfection," and the lost art of romance. 

Mead points out that marriage used to signal the beginning of a person's adult and sex life.  Now, however, many couples live together before marriage and have sex long before they have a commitment.  Thus, the over-the-top wedding ceremony/party has become a rite of passage itself.  Many couples, Mead says, say that this is the first real test of their bond.  People do need a sense of "wow, something really big is happening," and to get that in today's culture it may mean spending a lot of money.

Another interesting cause of this expanding bridal industry is, believe it or not, feminism.  The professionalization of weddings, work that used to be done by women, can now be outsourced to (more often than not) other women.  Nobody, for example, waxes their own legs or bakes their own cake if they can afford not too.  On the other hand, the phenomenon of the Disney Bride, women who rent Cinderella's coach for $2,500, is an interesting phenomenon.  In its infantilization and total embrace of the "princess complex," Mead asserts, actually creates a very childish idea of what marriage is like.

Finally, Mead says that some couples actually see an extravagant wedding as a kind of "insurance" against divorce.  She explains:

Not that [an extravagant wedding] provides the insurance, of course, just that there is a belief among couples, and it's probably not even conscious and perhaps not fully stated, that if we're going to do this and we really mean it, we're going to show how much we mean it by going all-out, and having our garlanded pet come down the aisle and all the rest of it. This is the generation who has seen so much divorce in their own families, or friends' families, and there's really a desire to not do it like their parents have.

Even if a bride wants to avoid the whole wedding "thing--" with all its drama and family baggage, there is an elopement industry.  It sounds simple, but ultimately Mead encourages her readers to participate in ceremonies and traditions that are meaningful to them. 

Wedding Insurance Everything But the Heart

By Wendy Jaffe

When I first heard that there was such a thing as wedding insurance, my mind wandered to other possibilities. How about marriage insurance to pay the divorce lawyer or mediator in case the marriage goes belly-up? How about kid raising insurance in case you shell out $100,000 for a college education and then junior decides his life goal is to be a professional couch potato...on your couch.

Well, as it turns out that WedSafe, the company that provides wedding insurance, was smart enough to limit coverage to weddings canceled or post-phoned by something other than a change of heart. (Think: broken leg and earthquakes)

Money guru Suze Orman thinks that wedding insurance is a good idea. She points out that with the average cost of weddings hovering around $26,000, insurance should apply. She points out that you would never consider driving a $26,000 car without insurance so why would you fail to insure a $26,000 wedding? (And thankfully, wedding insurance is inexpensive compared to wedding insurance.)

So before you plan a completely impractical, over-the-top wedding party, consider wedding insurance. It couldn't hurt, and if a tornado interferes with your wedding day, it just might make cents.

Eloping to Ease Marriage Stress

by Ashley

Meg Cabot literally broke out into hives during a visit with her future in-laws.  The ER doctor told her it was the worst case of non-allergic hives she'd ever seen.  Getting all the family together in one room (her soon-to-be husband's conservative family and her anti-war family) suddenly didn't seem like it would make for the "happiest day" in her life.  Instead, Cabot and her fiance took a vacation to Italy.

Eloping isn't quite as easy as a drive-thru wedding in Las Vegas; there is still paperwork to fill out, and if you marry in another country (be it Italy or Mexico or Canada) you have to fill out some forms in duplicate.  Still, renting a cottage in Italy only cost $500 for the week, a drop in the bucket compared to the extravagant costs of many weddings.  When the couple returned to the US, Cabot tells MSN, some of their friends were shocked by this departure from tradition: no diamond ring?  No bachelor party?  No gift registry?

Still, Cabot says that eloping made their wedding day about them, their life together, and love.  Gone were the worries about flower arrangements, seating charts, hijacked invitation lists, gifts, showers, and who would be chosen as the maid of honor.  The ceremony was small, but ultimately Cabot believes that their marriage is about the two people in the relationship, not the 500 you invite and feed.

Lucky in Love?

by Ashley

7/7/07, nearly numerically perfect, is the date for couples looking for that extra edge in their marriage.  The New York Times explains that seven has been a symbolicaly meaningful number at least as far back as the ancient Babylonians, who revered the seven sacred planets, and it is an important numeral in the Bible: as in the seven days of the Creation to the seven petitions of the Lord’s Prayer.

Sixty-five percent of Ritz-Carltons are booked for at least one wedding on July 7, and other hotels also report higher bookings than the same weekend last year.  In fact, hotels have had to turn several couples away for the 7/7/07 date. While some couples are willing to move to the 8th or 6th, others aren't so flexible-- demanding to be put on waiting lists in case the other couple splits up or postpones.  One hotel representative commented:

They’re just desperate for that date.  I really appreciate it’s such a big day and it’s really special — but I was surprised they weren’t as willing to move to another date.

With all the excitement on that date, many brides feel they are paying a premium for services.  Florists, limos, and catering companies all report getting many calls about weddings on that date.   Perhaps this is indicative of a larger problem.  Numerologists aren't so sure that July 7 is actually a good day to marry this year.  One explains:

The triple 7 can lead to miscommunication. Interactions between the partners is likely to be strained.

Last year, none of the wedding planners arranged weddings for June 6, 2006... Maybe the date is as important as your date.

The Wedding Planner... Game

by Ashley

Now that the to-do of Valentine's Day has past, I am sure many will be planning their "I-do."  After tell all the family, your friends, your coworkers, the people you pass on the street, and the guy who makes your latte that you're engaged... you have to plan the wedding.

Fortunately, computer people have come to the rescue.  Now, you and your beloved can play this game (free from MSN) and have a dry-run at planning the big day.  Perhaps this will let you run through all your variations on the day (common ladies, we all think about the rock-and-roll wedding v. the super traditional wedding).  Maybe, if you and your sweetie do this before you go to your parents asking for money for the event, you'll be able to form a more coherent plan.

Or maybe you'll just have a good time... after all, the game doesn't account for the crazy in-laws, dog that chews your wedding shoes, etc.

(Note, game only runs on windows.)

Questions to Consider Before The Wedding

by Ashley

Looks like The New York Times is encouraging people to talk before they get married.  In one of their most e-mailed articles experts address some of the questions two people need to think about (and talk about) before they tie the knot.  Included are questions like:

• Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
• Will there be a television in the bedroom?
• Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
• If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
• What does my family do that annoys you?

Read the whole article here.

Second Marriage-Bling! Bling!

by Wendy Jaffe

I thought I had covered every possible cause of divorce in my book, but today I read something that made me reconsider.

According to the International Diamond Exchange's website, the number of marriages is predicted to rise because children born during a mini-baby boom that took place in the 1980s are now reaching "marriage issue." This is good news for the diamond industry because 80% of brides receive diamond engagement rings. But the best news for the industry is that because 50% of those marriages will likely end in divorce, more second and third marriages will occur and "repeat brides tend to receive larger, better quality, more expensive diamond rings."

I would hate for this to get out. The success rate for first marriages is already dismal, and this news could only make matters worse!