Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

When Husbands Are the "Moms" and Wives are the "Bread Winners"

Amy Sohn is a successful writer who has done TV plots, a novel, and magazine essays.  For a long time she dated men who needed to be taken care of, almost babied.  Then she met her husband, a man who always put those he loved before himself and had no problem living in (comparative) poverty to pursue a purist he loved-- painting.

When the two dated it was romantic that he cooked her dinner instead of taking her out (he had to because he couldn't afford to).  However, when the two moved in together, Sohn says in the New York Times, the difference in their income became an issue.  She paid all the bills, the rent, and often paid to take the couple out to restaurants.  He sold paintings and did the cooking, washing, and other house-work. 

Once the two married and started thinking about having children, the arrangement started to make more sense.  If Sohn's husband stayed home with their child, he would save them nearly $25,000 in childcare costs each year, not to mention that they would not have to worry about finding a suitable sitter or daycare facility.  When the couple's baby arrived Sohn was surprised at how "motherly" she felt, and letting her husband take care of their child while she worked full time suddenly felt harder.

Sohn explains that even though she made about five times what her husband made selling paintings, it felt strange to leave all day.  She would sometimes worry that their daughter would love her husband more, and feel envious of the women she saw raising children while their husbands returned to work.

Eventually the two found a way to make it work for them.  Although the couple has all the stress of a traditional marriage, even if the roles are reversed, Sohn explains that:

The upside of my financial burden is that I never feel guilty about working. So many working mothers I know are racked with guilt over missing time with their children because they are married to men who earn enough to support the family. But if I don’t work, we don’t eat.

Now Sohn's husband paints two days a week in his studio and has had a few successful solo shows.  It is a compromise that allows Sohn's husband to earn money doing what he loves, and Sohn can console herself that by having a sitter a few days a week, their daughter will never love one of them more.

Young and Divorced-- The "Baby Divorcée"

by Ashley

Nobody expects it to happen to them, but more and more people in their twenties are getting married... and divorced before they turn 30.  MSN points out that the term for these young and divorced, baby divorcee, may not be flattering, but it does describe a growing segment of the population who a unique set of challenges.  Experts point to Generation X and Y's "one-click" mindset.  Today's twenty and thirty-somethings grew up with the idea of makeovers, that something new was always just around the bend, and that if you don't like something you can change it-- instantly.  But, as one author points out:

No one is saying that 20-somethings don’t mind being divorced — they do indeed — but they may be more willing to view divorce as a viable option than those who are somewhat older. And of course, there’s the fact that in early, brief marriages, there may not be children involved. That’s another factor that makes it somewhat less onerous for couples to break up.

Getting back into the dating world is tough for anyone.  Even though it is difficult, a person in their twenties actually may have it easier in the post-divorce dating pool.  More people in their 20s go to bars than people in their 40s, and are more willing to go outside their comfort zone.  Plus, if the divorcee doesn't have children, it can be much easier to balance dating with family and work obligations.

The real question for people in their twenties is when to disclose your marital past.  By your forties, divorce is common, but in your twenties there is a fine line between honesty and too much information.  One expert says there is no need to bring it up until you sense that there is a connection.  Hopefully, if you've divorced in your 20s, you will learn from past mistakes.  Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible skeleton in your closet if you're willing to acknowledge your past and move on.

Companies See Good Marriages are Good For the Bottom Line

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that more and more businesses are taking steps to help employees strengthen their marriages.

According to the Journal, "A small but growing number of companies have implemented training programs designed to help employees strengthen their marriages or other personal relatinships. Some companies are motivated by religious values to encourage strong marriages and families. But now, amid evidence that divorce and relationship stress can make workers less efficient, more companies have begun offering marriage training programs with an eye to keeping their businesses running more smoothly and profitably."

So how does divorce and relationship impact the bottom line? "Productivity lost from marriage...stress can cost employers some $6 billion annually, according to an estimate cited in a new report, "Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate American's Business?" sponsored by the Marrige CoMission, a marriage strengthening advocacy group in Atlanta. Another study cited in the report found that in the year following divorce, employees lost and average of four weeks of work."

Clearly, business is starting to see that investing in marriage will positively impact the bottom line.

Embryos Raise New Legal Questions in Divorce Disputes

by Ashley

Infertility treatments are not easy.  They can take years, require daily hormone injections, and can become extremely costly.  For one Texas couple, their quest to have children eventually highlighted the trouble in their marriage.  After their fertility doctor called to announce the successful creation of embryos, Randy Roman decided that he could not go through with the procedure.  While he and his wife Augusta worked out their problems, they agreed to freeze the embryos.

Although the couple went to marriage counseling, it didn't work.  In 2003 they filed for divorce, 16 months after the embryos had been created.  They divided up property like any other couple-- she got the house, he got the big screen TV.  The one thing the couple could not agree on was the fate of the frozen embryos. 

The couple signed a form when they froze the embryos that gave the clinic permission to destroy the embryos if/when the couple divorced.  Augusta, however, wanted to take custody of the embryos and have them implanted while releasing her ex-husband of all parental (and financial) responsibilities.  Randy, however, said that he could not disavow his genetic off-spring, not matter what his relationship is with their mother.  The Los Angeles Times explains that most states consider embryos to be property with the potential for human life, not a human life which needs to be placed in one parents custody.

Many couples split up without any clear agreement about the fate of their un-implanted embryos.  Further complicating the situation is that there is, as yet, no federal precedent for settling such disputes.  The Los Angeles Times says:

To date, the top courts of six states have ruled in such cases. While the case particulars have varied, a trend has emerged. In general, the courts have held that the right of one ex-spouse to not procreate trumps that of the other to procreate.

As these kinds of court disputes become more and more common, there is a good chance that one will eventually come before the Supreme Court.  In the controversial Roe v. Wade decision the Justices avoided deciding when life began.  Augusta claims that she feels that she was already pregnant and that the embryos are her only chance for children.  Her ex-husband's lawyer says that defaulting embryo custody to the mother reduces men to the role of sperm donors in in-vitro fertilization and if his wife is allowed to have his children, he would not want to be forced out of their life.

Both Randy and Augusta have filed briefs with the Texas Supreme Court.

Transplant Brings Couple (Back) Together

by Ashley

Five years ago and after 10 years of marriage, Chip and Cindy Altemos agreed to separate, begin seeing other people, and begin divorce proceedings.  The two decided to split up because of the "woes and troubles" each had brought from their previous marriages.  However, when Chip was diagnosed with kidney failure Cindy offered him one of her kidneys.  She told the Associated Press "he was still my husband."

As a former phlebotomist Cindy knew exactly what Chip faced.  When they married, she knew he'd had juvenile diabetes and promised to be a donor.  She donated her kidney this February, and the transplant has ended talk of divorce.  This October the couple will celebrate their 17th marriage anniversary.  Chip explained:

We’re still together.  I guess just being around each other, we slowly fell back in love again.

Would You Vote For a Divorced Candidate for President?

By Wendy

The divorce rate for the general public (close to 50%) is high, but it seems like the divorce rate for presidential candidates is even higher. Especially the likely Republican candidates.

Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani has been divorced twice. His first marriage, which lasted 14 years, was annulled on the unusual ground that "they failed to seek a church dispensation as second cousins once removed." (Apparently Giuliani mistakenly thought that they were third cousins a fact you would have suspected would have come out sometime before, oh, the first anniversary.) His second divorce was a very public one, and his oldest son from that marriage has publicly acknowledged that he is on the outs with dad due to the way that the divorce was handled.

Former House speaker and "family values" advocate Newt Gingrich, a possible contender, has also had two messy divorces, and recently conceded that he was having an affair at the same time he was attempting to get President Clinton impeached for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. (I know. His impeachment was for committing perjury, and Newt only lied to his wife.) Even the honorable Senator McCain has been divorced.

If you want to learn more about the marriage history of your possible future President, check out the New York Times article "Voters Accept Divorced Candidates, but They Have Limits" by Joyce Purnick.

There is an important factor in how a candidate's divorce history will affect voters that was not discussed in Purnick's article. I don't think most voters really care about whether or not a candidate has been divorced. I think what they care about is what a candidate's current relationship looks like. Voters want to know who the last First Lady is going to be.

I just read an article about Giuliani's current marriage to Judith Nathan and they sounded like they should be teaching a "How To Have a Perfect Marriage" seminar. And is there a question in anyone's mind that Teresa Kerry hurt John Kerry's failed presidential bid? (I always pictured Teresa walking around the White House wearing a white Gucci glove and screaming at the staff if she came up with a bit of dust in the Lincoln bedroom.) When it comes down to it, I think Americans care more about which wife is going to live in the White House, than which wife (or wives) lived in a candidate's former house.

Or, in the case of Hillary, which husband....

Verbal Abuse Versus Physical Abuse: Study Claims Tie

By Wendy

I noticed an article in the Los Angeles Times yesterday (here is the link to the New York times version), claiming that a study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that psychological torture is on par with physical abuse when measuring "long-term mental damage." The study grew out of questions about how the Bush administration has interpreted international and U.S. laws as they relate to interrogation of suspected terrorists. It was based on "psychiatric evaluations of 279 victims of torture and other abuses from the Balkan wars of the 1990s and showed that other types of ill treatment led to similarly high rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. The victims themselves rated the psychological tactics on par with the physical abuses they suffered."

What does any of this have to do with relationships?

Physical abuse grabs headlines when a relationship goes sour, but family law attorneys are very familiar with the toll that extreme verbal abuse takes on spouses. The consequences are frequently severe and long-lasting.

And now there is a study to prove it.

White House, White Wedding or Marital Blues?

by Ashley

I don't usually read tabloids... As a rule, I like my celebrity gossip to come from the Internet.  However, the February 12th issue of "Globe" caught my eye.  The headline: "Bush & Laura: Trial Separation."  Well, at this my curiosity overcame my usual snobby attitude to tabloids, plus I could justify it as research for this blog.

Anyway, turns out that George wasn't as supportive as he could have been during Laura's recent brush with cancer.  The notion that the first family may not be as happy as they seem has been in the shadows for several years.  Media Matters, a non-profit research organization, reports that in May of 2006 similar rumors surfaced about George's battle with alcoholism and the impact it had on his marriage.

Obviously, you'll need to take a salt shaker's worth of salt with the Globe story, but it isn't an impossible situation.  Running an entire country certainly takes up a lot of one's time, and it isn't hard to grow apart when one person is working all the time or always traveling.  Didn't anyone see season two of The West Wing?

Mayor McHottie in Hot Water

By Wendy

San Franciscans are typically thought of as open minded. Mayor Gavin Newsom (dubbed by someone other than me as Mayor McHottie) hopes that that open-mindedness will extend beyond his citizen's support for his liberal politics (allowing City Hall to issue marriage licenses to gay couples), to forgiving him for his admitted affair with the wife of his campaign manager. Although his blog is silent on the issue, in a press conference yesterday he conceded that everything that has been reported in the media--namely that he had an affair with his former appointment secretary Ruby Ripper-Turk who is married to his now former aide and campaign manager Alex Turk--is absolutely true.

(You have to admit that this is the ultimate in multi-tasking. Gavin: "Ms. Ripper-Turk. Please take down the following appointments: Sex with you in my office from 4:32 to 4:44. Shower from 4:45-4:52. Buff teeth/slick back hair 4:53-4:57. Meet with the governor from 5:00-5:15 to discuss....Got all that Madame Appointment Secretary?")

So how forgiving will his constituents be in November when he comes up for reelection? So far they have "forgiven" his divorce from wife Kimberly Guileful an attorney and Court TV newscaster, and his May-December romance with a 20 year old model/hostess who has the unfortunate name Brittani Mounts. But this relationship may have crossed a very weak line.

In an October, 2006 column by Marcus Baram posted on ABC.com concerning whether or not his relationship with Mounts, a woman who is not old enough to drink legally, would impact his career, the conclusion was that the relationship would not harm him politically at least on a local level. But ironically the column quoted political consultant Jack Davis as saying that there was a line that the mayor could cross that might harm him politically. "Of all the cities in the world, San Francisco would be the last place that would raise an eyebrow," says David. "If he was French-kissing a colleague, it might raise an eyebrow."

So now that his relationship with both a former colleague and the wife of an important current colleague it out of the closet, will eyebrows in San Francisco be raised?

Majority of Women Now Live Without a Spouse

by Ashley

More fascinating news from the census: 51% of women now live without a spouse.  The New York Times reports that in 1950 only 35% of women lived without a spouse and in 2000, it was still 49%.  Several social trends may account for this shift.  First, women are marrying later in life than they were 50 years ago, are staying unmarried after a divorce or husband's death longer, and young couples now live together without marriage for longer periods of time.  Second, about 70% of African-American women do not live with a spouse.  The rate in the Hispanic and Asian community is closer to the national average. 

Although some couples are separated temporarily (by a tour in the military, for example) the overall trend indicates a shift to unmarried women.  An expert quoted in the article asserts:

Although we can help people ‘do’ marriage better, it is simply delusional to construct social policy or make personal life decisions on the basis that you can count on people spending most of their adult lives in marriage.

Interestingly, men are now statistically more likely to be living with a spouse then women are.  Many of the same factors account for this.  For example, men tend to remarry more quickly after a death or divorce.

These social shifts may ultimately change the way social and workplace policy is created.