Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Divorce Rate Decline

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

According to recent news reports, divorce rates are at their lowest levels since 1970. Good news right? Well, yes and no. Of course any decrease in the divorce rate is a good thing. But the rate is still too high. Experts who analyzed the data think that the current divorce rate is between 40% and 45% which is still not optimal. Divorce lawyers think that about half of the divorce cases that they handle could and should have been avoided in the first place.

There is also speculation that the decrease in the divorce rate is primarily attributable to more people choosing to live together rather than marry, and to the fact that highly educated couples are getting divorced less. Couples with less education are still getting divorced at about the same rate according to those familiar with the data. And there lies the problem. Children of divorced couples with a lower income face tougher challenges than children of divorced couples who make a good income. It is difficult for a couple with a decent income to support two households; it is nearly impossible where the couple did not have substantial resources in the first place.

Let's hope that Ronald Reagan was right and that good news for the upper class will eventually "trickle down" to everyone else.

Step-Families, Like Teenagers, Need their Space

by Ashley

Many children of divorce end up shuffling between their parents' homes.  When families grow, with half-siblings or step-siblings, homes can get cramped.  One remarried mother said of her mixed family, "we were always in each other's faces."  The space challenges of mixed families require a new kind of home design that makes everyone feel comfortable, the New York Times explains.

Therapists and family members say that creating these spaces is a real challenge.  Having a place in a home, for adults and children of all ages, is an important part of feeling like a family.  Visiting children need to feel like a room is theirs and that they belong in the rest of the home too.  The Times article explains that "age, personality, privacy, full- or part-time residency and even sexuality can add to the emotional and architectural complexity."  Hurt feelings can stem from something as mundane as closet space or wall color. 

Experts are quick to point out that children to not need their own bedroom, just a space that feels like theirs and in which they are comfortable.  Involving all a couple's children in designing the space is a good way to encourage the family to work as a unit and to find out what each child needs and wants. Decorating a room for a child is less important than giving them a clean, quiet, and nurturing space to live full or part-time. 

Part of step-family's home design should take into consideration where the parents' room will be.  Experts tend to agree that the couple's room should be somewhat removed from the children's sleeping area.  An expert commented that "any hint of sexuality in these situations makes children extremely uncomfortable."  In addition, newly weds need their own space to bond and share their lives outside their role as parents and step-parents.

More important than the sleeping situation, however, is a large communal space where the family can come together to work, play, or relax.  Older stepchildren in particular, one expert explained, have a tendency to withdraw into their rooms, so having a large public space in the home can help draw them out.  Martial and familial harmony is more important than any furniture or room set-up.

China's Divorce Rate Falls Overnight

by Ashley

Divorce in China used to be rare.  In fact, until 2003 a person needed to get permission from their work unit if they wanted to divorce their spouse.  Such permissions were rarely granted and the divorce rate remained astonishingly low.  However, with the rapid economic changes taking place in China over the last few years, the divorce rate skyrocketed to 2.76 divorces per 1,000 people-- a higher rate than Japan or South Korea and close to the US' rate.

The BBC reports that the 2.76 figure is actually artificial.  Until recently, China counted the number people divorced rather than the actual number of divorces.  As a result of the change, China's divorce rate is actually much lower-- about 1.3 divorces for every 1,000 people.  Authors of the new statistics hope these more accurate numbers will calm people worried about the state of the family in China.

Education and Money, the Root of All Good Marriages

by Ashley

The New York Times' "Ideas and Trends" column proposes that the shift away from marriage may have more to do with education, and by extension social class, than we've all previously thought.  It isn't just the driven and ambitious career girls who are avoiding marriage-- the gap affects both genders.  Instead, college educated women are more likely to marry than non-college educated men and when they do marry, they tend to marry an "equal."  Gone are the days when women had to marry up.  Today, highly educated men tend to marry highly educated women. 

This trend goes across race lines as well.  Although African American women are less likely to marry than the general population, college educated African Americans are more like to marry than their non-college educated peers.

For the age group 25-34, 59% of college graduates are married, compared with 51% of their peers without degrees.  Whereas marriage used to be thought of as something done before you started your life, many people wait until they are financially stable to marry.  Those without college degrees, one expert says, "may never get there."

The article concludes by point out that:

The way we used to look at marriage was that if women were highly educated, they had higher earning power, they were more culturally liberal and people might have predicted less marriage among them.  What’s becoming more powerful is the idea that economic resources are conducive to stable marriages. Women who have more money or the potential for more money are married to men who have more stable income.

In fact, this education and money gap also tends to indicate happiness in marriages.  Couples with similar levels of education tend to share intellectual interests, similar financial backgrounds, and attitudes toward housework.

Majority of Women Now Live Without a Spouse

by Ashley

More fascinating news from the census: 51% of women now live without a spouse.  The New York Times reports that in 1950 only 35% of women lived without a spouse and in 2000, it was still 49%.  Several social trends may account for this shift.  First, women are marrying later in life than they were 50 years ago, are staying unmarried after a divorce or husband's death longer, and young couples now live together without marriage for longer periods of time.  Second, about 70% of African-American women do not live with a spouse.  The rate in the Hispanic and Asian community is closer to the national average. 

Although some couples are separated temporarily (by a tour in the military, for example) the overall trend indicates a shift to unmarried women.  An expert quoted in the article asserts:

Although we can help people ‘do’ marriage better, it is simply delusional to construct social policy or make personal life decisions on the basis that you can count on people spending most of their adult lives in marriage.

Interestingly, men are now statistically more likely to be living with a spouse then women are.  Many of the same factors account for this.  For example, men tend to remarry more quickly after a death or divorce.

These social shifts may ultimately change the way social and workplace policy is created. 

AOL/Women's Day Poll Reveals Half of Women Would Say "I Don't"

By Wendy Jaffe

As some of you already know, I have been fortunate to be included by AOL in their "Coaching" program. One great perk of being an AOL relationship coach is that I received the hot-off-the-press results of a poll that was conducted by Women's Day magazine and AOL concerning women's general happiness with their selection of a spouse--a topic that had previously been largely ignored by the main stream media.

The pollsters asked women whether or not they would marry their spouse again. A staggering 36% of married women said they would definitely not marry their spouse again. An additional 20% said that they weren't sure if they would marry them or not. REMEMBER, this is a poll of people who are still married; it obviously doesn't include those who have already ended their marriages.

So what's up? Why are so many women dissatisfied with the man that they chose at one time to be their husband "'til death do us part?"

The answer must be that the men these women married changed drastically, the moment wedding rings were slipped on their fingers, right? NOPE!

What happened in most of these cases is that the now dissatisfied women ignored clear warning signs that the man they picked to marry was not ideal husband material in the first place.

And most of the time the flags were not hidden; they were simply ignored by women who thought that love alone was enough to sustain a marriage.

Below are the most common "warning flags" and the rationalizations that women use to get past them.

The Money Flag: One of us is a compulsive spender and the other is a compulsive saver. Rationalization: We will balance each other out and be good influence on each other.

Different Goals and Values Flag:  I want a baby and he doesn't OR I work 24/7 and he likes to lay on the beach OR I want to live in a big city and he wants to live in the country. Rationalization: Because we love each other, we will be able to work these differences out after we are married.

Addiction Flag:  He parties A LOT. Rationalization: He said he would stop once we had kids.

Verbal/Physical Abuse Flag: Sometimes he cuts me down in public, and he hit me, but just once. Rationalization: He puts me down in public to make himself look good because his third grade teacher made him feel inadequate so I understand it. He hit me because he thought I was flirting with his friend. He said that because he loves me so much, he just "lost it." (And he bought me flowers so now everything is OK.)

Unrealistic ExpectationsFlags: He will change (fill in the blank) once we are married OR The basis of our relationship is romance and it will always be that way.

Do you fall into the "I would marry him again" or the "I wouldn't marry him again" half? If you would marry him again, why? And if you wouldn't marry him again, why?

What the Census Tells Us about Family and Marriage

by Ashley

Other than the fact that Americans drank more bottled water in 2004 than any other year, the The New York Times reports that the census presents many interesting facts about family, marriage, and our communities.

First, the good news: the divorce rate in 2004 was only 3.7 divorces for every 1,000 people!  This is the lowest divorce rate since 1970.  Nevada still ranks as the state with the highest divorce rate (sometimes what starts in Vegas ends there too, after all).  Even in Nevada the divorce rate is down from 11.4 divorces per 1,000 people to 6.4 per 1,000 people.  Perhaps this decrease in the divorce rate is due to an increase in floor space in new single family homes-- now 2,227 square feet.

Or, perhaps the decrease in the divorce rate is due to the fact that beds were the #2 cause of accidents in 2004 (right behind bikes)...

Now, the bad news: American's are watching TV, surfing the net, and listening to the radio more than ever before-- a whopping 3,543 hours annually!  Furthermore, though we're drinking more bottled water we're getting fatter.

How does your marriage stack up compared to statistical averages?

If you ever needed proof that marriage is good, the French have given it

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

If you're looking for an example of 'Do as I say, not as I do,' when it comes to proving the value of a fulfilling, emotionally stable marriage, the citizens of France demonstrate it.

According to a November 21, 2006 article in The Washington Post, an increasing number of French couples skip over the wedding vows but go directly home. Together. Not only do a majority of French couples buy homes and move in together, they are having and raising children and building lives. According to the article, the French marriage rate has plummeted more than 30 percent since the last generation, despite an increasing population and birthrate. Moreover, French marriage rates are 45 percent lower than they are in the U.S. The article states that in 2004, the latest year figures were available, the marriage rate in France was 4.3 per 1,000 people, compared with 5.1 in Jolly Old England and 7.8 in the United States.

Two of France's highest-profile female politicians are involved in long-term relationships with men they have not married. One of the women was quoted in the Post piece as saying she and her partner simply didn't have time to get married in the 22 years they have been together.

I wouldn't doubt that as an excuse. As history has proven, the French have been busy allying with countries with incredible disdain for Americans, their values and their ways.

I think it's safe to say I won't be serving french fries at my upcoming wedding anniversary party.

The Female Brain

By Wendy Jaffe

The author of the new book The Female Brain was interviewed in this month's More magazine. Her premise is that a lot of those differences that we seem to notice about men and women are hardwired in the brain, and in our differing hormones.

Here is what she said to More magazine about our relationships with men after the children pack their suitcases and ipods and head off to college:

"What I found with many clients is that once the kids leave the house, redefining their relationships with their husbands is one of the biggest challenges they face. No one has considered to what degree this might be due to changed brain circuitry, but I suspect there is something going on there.

In one client's case, the calming effects of progesterone and oxytocin [after menopause] weren't there to cool off her anger. She found herself confronting her husband with regularity, venting decades of pent-up rage. She found herself more unhappy than she had ever allowed herself to be, and she blamed him. Clearly she had legitimate complaints about him, but truthfully, he hadn't changed; she was changing. She was being less of a victim, getting angry, and it was causing friction. Since this couple had never learned to resolve their disagreements, she had to take the more drastic step and separate from him for a while. Other women may just need to go out and do something for themselves: get a degree, change to a more satisfying career, take up a new hobby that's just for them....

These clients' stories are very common. After the age of menopause, 65 percent of divorces are initiated by women, not men; the phrase after menopause is the key here. The government statistics don't say that . They say "after age 50" and that's one year before the average age of menopause."

Please read the bold/italicized sentence again. I think it is the key here. Menopause, time, and life changes all conspire to undo relationships. The key is to learn how to resolve inevitable disagreements, BEFORE that calming hormone oxytocin dissipates!

Marrieds in minority: Is government assistance on the horizon?

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

According the U.S. Census Bureau, my husband and I are in the minority. The results of the American Community Survey, released earlier this month, found that of the nation's 111.1 million households in 2005, 49.7 percent, or 55.2 million, were made up of married couples — with and without children. Just five years ago, that same survey reported that marrieds comprised 52 percent of all American households.

Now that I've been declared a member of a minority, I am looking forward to some government assistance. First on my list is mental health coverage. Certainly after 13 years of marriage, which includes two elementary school-age children, two cars, one dog, one goldfish, one house and one husband, my life is far more insane than when I was younger, single and notably wilder.

Now that I've been declared a minority, I expect that any job application I submit will receive extra-special consideration. I mean, for goodness sakes, to survive my background and no, not my upbringing but rather the bringing up of my children, I definitely deserve a break today.

And I certainly won't balk at receiving a monthly government stipend while sitting around watching Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil on the boob tube all day.

Yup, being in the minority sure has its advantages. Please be a dear and pass me the remote and the bon-bons...my shows are on.