Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Science confirms: "Don't Go To Bed Angry!"

Your grandmother advised you never to go to bed angry with your spouse. Now there is science to support that old adage. At the recent meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies, researchers presented evidence  confirming a connection between restful sleep and marital quality. As reported in the Sunday Health section of the  Los Angeles Times, "On a day-to-day basis, a couple's relationship affects how well they sleep. And how well they sleep affects how the relationship functions the following day."

Now for the science:

"Researchers at the University of Arizona studied 29 heterosexual, co-sleeping couples who did not have children. Each person completed sleep diaries for seven days and was also asked to record, six times a day, the quality of interactions with his or her partner. The study found that, for men, better sleep was linked to more positive ratings of relationship quality the next day. For women, negative interactions with a partner during the day led to poorer quality sleep that night for both woman and man. The study's take-home message...is to SETTLE CONFLICTS BEFORE GOING TO BED (emphasis added) and avoid confrontational discussions on a day when one partner, or both, has had a bad night's sleep."

Science has finally caught up to Grandma.

Questions to Ask When Recovering from a Spouse's Affair

by Ashley

Dr. Shirley P. Glass explained in a recent iVillage article that after a spouse cheats, detail questions about gifts, time, and other things can be an entryway into a deeper understanding of the marriage before (and after) the affair.  Glass' article outlines 10 questions to ask your parter (or yourself) about the affair.  Here, I just want to touch on one:

What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the "other woman" was like, it is often much more helpful to look at what the unfaithful partner was like during the affair.  Dr. Glass explains that:

New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies.

When you try on another role, you may discover what your marriage is lacking.  The betrayed partner may feel that they are unable (or unwilling) to change the patterns in their marriage or their personality.  However, the infidelity can be used as a way to explore how some relationships "go stale," or need to evolve as people change.

Glass' questions range from "did you have unprotected sex?" to "what did you tell him/her about us and our family?"  They provide a good starting point for the kinds of questions a couple needs to examine if they are going to forgive and forget.  Of course, not all marriages can be saved.  But if you and your spouse are both willing to examine the causes and effects of the infidelity, there is no reason to assume that an affair causes your marriage to end in divorce.

Baldwin Call Highlights Divorce Stress

by Ashley

The call is all over the internet.  Pundits, celebrity watchers, and parents everywhere want to share their opinions about Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, and their daughter Ireland.  Baldwin and Basinger married in 1993 and split in 2001 but are still involved in protracted legal disputes and custody battles.  The Los Angeles Times reports that last October Basinger was found in contempt of court for violating a custody agreement.  The couple had another custody hearing scheduled for May 4 of this year.

TMZ.com, which has the audio file of Baldwin's call, reported that Baldwin's spokesperson alleges the message was leaked against a standing court order.  Further, Baldwin apparently acknowledges that he should have used different language while parenting his child, but affirms (via his spokesperson) that Ireland is the most important person in his life.

Still, the message seems to hint at anger directed not towards Ireland, but towards Basinger.  Baldwin's spokesperson told TMZ.com that over the past six-years Basinger has done "everything she can to alienated Baldwin from Ireland."  For now, an LA Superior Court commissioner temporarily suspended Baldwin's visitation rights.  A hearing is set for May 4.  Basinger's lawyers did not comment for either the TMZ story or Los Angeles Times report.

The Female Brain

By Wendy Jaffe

The author of the new book The Female Brain was interviewed in this month's More magazine. Her premise is that a lot of those differences that we seem to notice about men and women are hardwired in the brain, and in our differing hormones.

Here is what she said to More magazine about our relationships with men after the children pack their suitcases and ipods and head off to college:

"What I found with many clients is that once the kids leave the house, redefining their relationships with their husbands is one of the biggest challenges they face. No one has considered to what degree this might be due to changed brain circuitry, but I suspect there is something going on there.

In one client's case, the calming effects of progesterone and oxytocin [after menopause] weren't there to cool off her anger. She found herself confronting her husband with regularity, venting decades of pent-up rage. She found herself more unhappy than she had ever allowed herself to be, and she blamed him. Clearly she had legitimate complaints about him, but truthfully, he hadn't changed; she was changing. She was being less of a victim, getting angry, and it was causing friction. Since this couple had never learned to resolve their disagreements, she had to take the more drastic step and separate from him for a while. Other women may just need to go out and do something for themselves: get a degree, change to a more satisfying career, take up a new hobby that's just for them....

These clients' stories are very common. After the age of menopause, 65 percent of divorces are initiated by women, not men; the phrase after menopause is the key here. The government statistics don't say that . They say "after age 50" and that's one year before the average age of menopause."

Please read the bold/italicized sentence again. I think it is the key here. Menopause, time, and life changes all conspire to undo relationships. The key is to learn how to resolve inevitable disagreements, BEFORE that calming hormone oxytocin dissipates!

John Gottman's Marriage Quiz

By Wendy Jaffe

As you can imagine, I have read nearly every marital self-help book on the market. But I think the first one that I read, long before I began doing the official research for my book, was by the prolific marital researcher and author John Gottman. I was just checking out his website to see if he had anything new to say on the subject and I was intrigued by two things.

First, one of his marriage tips is directed solely at men. He tells men to "accept influence." He says that: "A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well."

Second, he has a fun "how is your marriage quiz."  It only takes a minute so give it a try. I did.

Parental Alienation Syndrome Employed by Kidnappers and...

by Wendy Jaffe

After spending three and a half hours "helping" with third grade and seventh grade homework last night, I decided to "wind down" by browsing through last week's Time Magazine that was sitting on my night stand thanks to last year's school magazine drive.

I came across an article about the emotional ramifications of Natascha Kampusch's kidnapping. In case you missed the story, Natasha was kidnapped when she was ten years old and held prisoner for eight years in a basement near Austria. Her kidnapper threw himself under a train shortly after Natascha finally escaped.

The article is not about the sensational case, but about how counselors who work with children of divorced parents see similarities between Natasha's current difficulty reconnecting with her parents, and children "of a custody dispute in which a child is irrevocably poisoned against one parent." The psychological term is "parental alienation syndrome" and it is a frequent problem in messy divorces where one parent attempts to turn the children against the other parent. A child psychologist named J. Michael Bone is quoted in the article as saying, "If you can convince a child that their parents don't care, then you own them." Well said.

In Natasha's case, the power of parental alienation syndrome is demonstrated by Natasha's anger at her father for telling the media that "[Natasha] would celebrate her captor's death." In fact, Natasha visited the morgue and saw her abductor before he was buried, and according to the Time article, "told the world she mourned his death."

Tonight, after homework "hour" is finally over, I think I will wind down with Architectural Digest.

Courtney Cox Gets It Right

by Wendy Jaffe

With so many celebrities getting marriage wrong, we have to applaud the few who seem to get it right. Courtney Cox, with candor uncharacteristic for someone in the public spotlight, Cox admitted to her own marital misteps in an interview with Life Magazine, and took responsibility for her role in the couple's fighting style.

She said: "Doing little check-ins is important. ...But I could see how relationships break up if you don't go, 'What are we doing!" So we went to a therapist, and he broke it down for us. He said, 'Courtney, can you see how David gets embarassed to have any kind of public fight? I don't scream, but I have no problem saying what I'm feeling in the moment. David's the opposite. So if I need to get something out, I hae to say, "David, can you come talk to me for a minute outside? Had I done that, [the fights] wouldn't have gotten nearly as big."

Note how quickly a little therapy was able to solve a major marital issue.

How Not to Settle the Score

by Ashley

Everyone loves a good revenge story...  Today's Australian "Daily Telegraph" reports that the ex-wife of a British celebrity chef, Rick Stein, nearly assaulted him and his now-girlfriend. 

The tabloid reports that Jill Stein reacted calmly when she discovered her husband was carrying on an affair with Sarah Burns (a PR executive turned cupcake shop owner-- also 20 years younger than the former Mrs. Stein).  Apparently, Jill Stein simply kicked her husband out of their home upon hearing of the affair.  However, Rick and Ms. Burns appeared at the Cornwall restaurant that the Steins still own together.  Jill slapped the younger woman in the face, and then turned and hit her ex-husband too.

The former Mrs. Stein's response: "its a woman thing.  I feel better for it.  Now I want a divorce."

Customers at the restaurant apparently cheered when Mrs. Stein hit her soon-to-be ex-husband and his lover.

Link to The Daily Telegraph article

Husband blows up New York Townhouse in Ultimate Display of Control

by Wendy Jaffe

Last week I was in New York to discuss my book on Good Day New York. Not surprisingly, the first question out of the anchorwoman's mouth concerned the explosion of a Manhattan townhouse engineered by a Dr. Bartha after a court ordered him to sell it so that he could pay the judgment issued by a court in connection with his acrimonious divorce.

According to the judgment, Dr. Bartha had a long history of attempting to control the matrimonial assets including withholding money from his wife as she struggled to beat breast cancer.

Although Dr. Bartha's actions were obviously an anomaly, the condition--wanting to control marital assets--is not. In fact, control issues concerning money are one of the most common causes of divorce.

Do you or your spouse have a tendency to control marital assets? Take the following money control test to find out:

• You unilaterally make all or nearly all of the major financial decisions.
• You do not permit your spouse to have access to checking and saving accounts that contain money that legally belongs to both of you.
• You hide money from your spouse.
• You keep your spouse in the dark about how much you earn.
• You do not allow your spouse to see bills and credit card statements.
• You closely monitor how much your spouse spends on even small items.
• You insist that you and your spouse file separate tax returns even if there is no financial benefit to filing separate returns.
• You file joint tax returns but you do not let your spouse review the return before signing it.

So, how did you do?

Learning to Fight Right

by Ashley

Redbook, as reprinted on iVillage, offers some advice for fighting correctly with your mate.  The author, a University of Washington psychologist, explains that couples that fight endlessly simply haven't learned how to fight correctly.  Productive fights are the ones that allow each person to express their differences, express their opinions lovingly, and reach productive solutions.

The experts advised that you should avoid keeping all your frustrations inside and then dumping them all at once.  Another major mistake is playing "super nag," or trying to force the other partner into a confrontation.  It is also important to remember that arguments are not debates-- there is no "winner" and no "loser."  Ultimately, you should focus on reaching understanding and compromise.  Most importantly, the University researchers say, remember to add some levity and love to your fights.  If you can inject humor, and recognize that you still love your spouse, chances are the fight won't extend into other aspects of your life together.

Link to Redbook article via iVillage