Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Talk First, Buy a Home Second

by Ashley

After the thank you notes are written, the gifts returned or stored, many newly weds think of buying a home.  Other than the "I do" this is the first real, big decision many couples make.  Don Patrick, a certified financial planner, told MSN that couples need to do some work on their finances as a couple before they look into a home.  He explained that many couples, caught up in the romance of their new lives together, do not understand that home ownership is a massive financial commitment.

Before new couples begin to look at homes, Patrick advises, they need to pay off as many of their bills as possible-- including wedding or honeymoon expenses and credit card debt.  If either of you had student loans, those should be addressed too.  In addition, both partners need to get full copies of their credit report.  Another thing many young couples do not think about acquiring is life insurance.  If one partner is hurt or killed, the insurance can help pay down (or off) the remaining mortgage on the house-- preventing the surviving partner from coming into debt.  One Realtor quoted in the story suggests trying to qualify for a home loan before you begin looking at properties.  In part, this will help you set a realistic budget.  Patrick suggests that couples have a very frank conversation about their finances, the length of a mortgage, and number of children the couple may have. 

Beyond just the financial considerations, couples should spend some time living together before buying a home.  This way, you will know your needs as a couple.  If one person is moving after the wedding, or changing jobs, or if the couple is moving to a new city, it is usually a good idea to live there at least a year.  It takes time to learn a city, and after a year you will know which areas fit you best.

Mostly, all the experts in MSN's article just say "talk."  Talk a lot, talk honestly, and talk realistically about buying your first home.

Step-Families, Like Teenagers, Need their Space

by Ashley

Many children of divorce end up shuffling between their parents' homes.  When families grow, with half-siblings or step-siblings, homes can get cramped.  One remarried mother said of her mixed family, "we were always in each other's faces."  The space challenges of mixed families require a new kind of home design that makes everyone feel comfortable, the New York Times explains.

Therapists and family members say that creating these spaces is a real challenge.  Having a place in a home, for adults and children of all ages, is an important part of feeling like a family.  Visiting children need to feel like a room is theirs and that they belong in the rest of the home too.  The Times article explains that "age, personality, privacy, full- or part-time residency and even sexuality can add to the emotional and architectural complexity."  Hurt feelings can stem from something as mundane as closet space or wall color. 

Experts are quick to point out that children to not need their own bedroom, just a space that feels like theirs and in which they are comfortable.  Involving all a couple's children in designing the space is a good way to encourage the family to work as a unit and to find out what each child needs and wants. Decorating a room for a child is less important than giving them a clean, quiet, and nurturing space to live full or part-time. 

Part of step-family's home design should take into consideration where the parents' room will be.  Experts tend to agree that the couple's room should be somewhat removed from the children's sleeping area.  An expert commented that "any hint of sexuality in these situations makes children extremely uncomfortable."  In addition, newly weds need their own space to bond and share their lives outside their role as parents and step-parents.

More important than the sleeping situation, however, is a large communal space where the family can come together to work, play, or relax.  Older stepchildren in particular, one expert explained, have a tendency to withdraw into their rooms, so having a large public space in the home can help draw them out.  Martial and familial harmony is more important than any furniture or room set-up.

New Children Require More Time in the Nest

by Ashley

US Weekly reports that Angelina Jolie now wants to stay at home full-time to raise her children.  She now has four children, three have been adopted and one is her and Pitt's.  Although Jolie is firmly on "the A-List" she wants to devote more of her time to easing the transition that new siblings require.  She told a Vietnamese newspaper:

I have four children and caring for them is the most important thing for me at the moment. I’m very proud and happy to be their mother.

Pitt and Jolie began the adoption process last November.  The couple visited the orphanages together and brought toys to share with the children.  A nurse said she didn't even know the couple was famous, she just assumed they were another American couple that wanted to play with the children.

All this domestic tranquility is no doubt wonderful for these children.  Absent from the article, however, is any mention of Brad Pitt's role in the new family.  Hopefully Jolie will be able to keep her relationship in perspective and avoid turning into a kidaholic at the expense of her partnership.

 

Two Bedrooms Becomes the Norm

by Ashley

A survey by the National Homebuilders Association (via the New York Times) predicts that, by 2015, 60% of custom built homes will have two master suites.  Experts believe the quest for better sleep is behind the trend.  Lack of good sleep, caused by snoring, cover hogs, or restless legs can cause marital tension.  The Homebuilders Association says that two bedrooms has often improved marriages.

Historically, separate bedrooms have been seen as a sign of a failing marriage.  One expert quoted in the article says that two bedrooms should no longer be taken as a statement about the couple's sex-life.  Rather, as childcare duties, nighttime trips to the bathroom, and shift-work infringe on a couple's ability to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, two bedrooms are becoming a practical necessity.  Still, some homebuilders refer to the room as a "flex suite" in an effort to avoid any embarrassment.

The trend is not isolated in the upper end of the income spectrum.  A woman in St. Louis, MO explained that she changed things up in her apartment to accommodate a restless husband.  She remarked, "my husband is still alive.  I would have killed him."

Talking To Children About Divorce

by Wendy Jaffe

I found a  great article on talking to your children about divorce on Divorce Magazine's online site.  Authors John Ventura and Mary Reid made the following great suggestions.

Break the News of Your Divorce With Your Spouse (if possible): This requires getting your story straight BEFORE you have the conversation. Keep in mind that you are demonstrating to your child that you will bel able to parent together after the divorce.

Timing: The old saying that "timing is everything" applies here. You don't want your kids to hear about your divorce from Grandma or their teacher. Tell them first.

Group or Individual: The authors suggest telling all of your children at the same time if  possilbe. The exception is where there is a big gap in their ages making a "group" discussion impossible. (For example, a three year old and a 12 year old). Their rationale is that it assures each child that they know the same thing as their siblings. Plus, there is always safety in numbers.

Opportunity to Ask Questions: Answer all of their questions even if they seem inconsequentuall to you. ('Where will Fido live?' 'Can I bring my special stuffed animal with me when I go to mom's house?') And keep an open line of communication after that initial conversation. Often times kids are so surprised that it takes some time for their questions to form.

Address Their Fears: The article notes that the following fears are very common among children when there is a divorce.

• The parent I no longer live with will leave me forever. 
• My parents’ divorce is my fault. 
• If I am really good, my parents will get back together. 
• I have to choose between my parents. I can’t have a relationship with both of them after they’re divorced. 
• My mother’s or father’s new significant other will replace my real parent. 
• My stepbrother or stepsister is going to replace me. 

Keep these in the back of your mind during the initial conversation about the divorce, and throughout the divorce process.

Check out the entire article before you have "The Conversation." You will be glad that you did.

I wouldn't celebrate Halloween any other way

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

In a little over an hour, my home will be overrun with a dozen elementary school-age boys icing pumpkin cookies before they shove them in their mouths, chugging fruit punch out of cups adorned with orange and black gummy worms draped over the sides and playing tic-tac-toe on the driveway using candy corn as their markers. The party will end in the same way it has for the last five years, with a HUGE leaf pile fight in our front yard, complete with leaves being shoved down people's shirts and pants. Both my husband and I are the ultimate targets (especially me) of the kid's leaves, and I must admit in past years I've found leaf particles in body parts I didn't know I had.

Still, despite all the preparation and work hosting the Halloween party is, I wouldn't celebrate the holiday any other way. It's as much a part of my family's traditions as is saying 'Thank You' when we finally arrive home after a long trip, safe and tired and full of memories of where we had just been. Not only is the party fun for my sons, it's a wonderful opportunity for us to work together on a joint project. Life is so hectic that sometimes I feel like as soon as I wake up in the morning, another day has passed and it's time to go to sleep again. Do you ever feel that way?

Well, the party is about to start so I better join in. This year, I have decided to dress up as a character I strive for in everyday life but never quite seem to attain: a calm, relaxed, fun-loving mother whose greatest care in the world is whether the punch bowl needs refilling.

How to be a professional juggler, or, how to balance parenthood with a career

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

If you've ever had to choose between watching your child portray the leading role in a play or give an important presentation at work, you were forced  to prioritize. You might have rationalized. No matter what, you had to make a choice. One that no matter what you decided, could have negatively impacted your relationship with your child, spouse, your colleagues at work or even your boss.

Juggling parenthood with professionalism isn't easy. You don't need to be told that. But, if you're becoming increasingly stressed, distracted or overwhelmed by having to make the family vs. work decision more frequently, a recent AOL article on parenting might help.

For example, a single dad quoted in the story, looking to change career paths while raising his teenage daughter, took on-line college courses to bolster his education. He says the instructors are helpful and accessible and he's thrilled to be available to his daughter, with whom he is very close. "'There are other jobs, but I have only one family,'" he says.

One of the women quoted in the story, a single mother of three, telecommutes as a finance director for a nonprofit educational program. Sure, her days are hectic. She says she wakes up at 5 am and gets to bed around midnight. Email and special accounting software help her meet her work-related duties from home or on the laptop her employer provided. When she was married, she and her spouse split up the parenting duties. Divorced eight years, she says single parenting has proven to be the '"biggest challenge of her life'" because she has to do everything herself.

But you didn't need to be told that, either.

Husband blows up New York Townhouse in Ultimate Display of Control

by Wendy Jaffe

Last week I was in New York to discuss my book on Good Day New York. Not surprisingly, the first question out of the anchorwoman's mouth concerned the explosion of a Manhattan townhouse engineered by a Dr. Bartha after a court ordered him to sell it so that he could pay the judgment issued by a court in connection with his acrimonious divorce.

According to the judgment, Dr. Bartha had a long history of attempting to control the matrimonial assets including withholding money from his wife as she struggled to beat breast cancer.

Although Dr. Bartha's actions were obviously an anomaly, the condition--wanting to control marital assets--is not. In fact, control issues concerning money are one of the most common causes of divorce.

Do you or your spouse have a tendency to control marital assets? Take the following money control test to find out:

• You unilaterally make all or nearly all of the major financial decisions.
• You do not permit your spouse to have access to checking and saving accounts that contain money that legally belongs to both of you.
• You hide money from your spouse.
• You keep your spouse in the dark about how much you earn.
• You do not allow your spouse to see bills and credit card statements.
• You closely monitor how much your spouse spends on even small items.
• You insist that you and your spouse file separate tax returns even if there is no financial benefit to filing separate returns.
• You file joint tax returns but you do not let your spouse review the return before signing it.

So, how did you do?

Decorating Tips to Prevent a House Divided

by Ashley

Couples get lots of marriage advice, but very little on how to actually make a home.  Moving vans deposit boxes marked "his" and "hers" and suddenly a new couple has to bring it all together.  Often, writes Davis Remignanti of Furniture.com, couples are made up of one design oriented person and one "its just a chair" person.  He offers the following tips to help you make your new house a home and avoid fighting about the difference between butter and cream colored paint.

Remignanti says to make a budget and stick to it.  Set spending limits, plan to save for larger pieces of furniture, and evaluate if this is going to be your "forever" dining room set, or just something for now.  He also encourages couples to use the decorating process to grown and learn about each others tastes.  Buy magazines, newspapers, and books, he says, go through them while you talk to each other about what you like, don't like, and can't believe made it in the magazine.  You'll not only discover new things about your partner, but finding common ground before you pay hundreds of dollars for a couch will save you a lot of stress down the road.

Link to Furniture.com press release

Married Women Share The Best Advice They Ever Received

by Ashley

Redbook published an article in which several happily married women recounted the best marriage advice they ever received.  Much of it is common sense passed down from mothers and grandmothers.  Everyone emphasized the importance of patience, understanding, and compromise.  One 31 year old New Jersey resident said she and her husband "attack the issue not each other."  It helps them solve the problem and avoid hurtful put-downs. 

Some of the advice, like learn to play golf, and set the table if you're late with dinner ("he'll believe you're about to eat any minute") may not save your marriage, but sharing quality time and avoiding small resentment are a good way to build a happy relationship. 

The article also goes on to share some advice that should not be followed: "marriage means never having to say you're sorry."  Everyone agrees that you must, at times, temper the truth, apologize, and let go of a grudge.

Link to Redbook article (via iVillage)