Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Even After Drunken Tape

By Ashley

David Hasselhoff won custody of his teenage children even after a tape was leaked that showed him drunk and trying to eat a hamburger.  Although Hasselhoff is excited about getting custody of his kids, the actor still has some anger about the tape's release.  People Magazine quotes Hasselhoff:

A private moment like that in anyone's life should never be exploited like that, especially if your children are involved. That's when this thing happened – that's when I said: Nobody plays that card.

The tape emerged on the internet to much jeering just as Hasselhoff's years-long custody battle with Pamela Bach intensified.  After Friday's hearing Bach fired her attorney and hired Mark Vincent Kaplan who represented Brittney Spears earlier this year. 

In mid-August the couple will come back to court for another custody hearing.  Their divorce trial is set to begin October 1.  For now, Hasselhoff says that his kids are ready to put all this, including the tape, behind them.

Embryos Raise New Legal Questions in Divorce Disputes

by Ashley

Infertility treatments are not easy.  They can take years, require daily hormone injections, and can become extremely costly.  For one Texas couple, their quest to have children eventually highlighted the trouble in their marriage.  After their fertility doctor called to announce the successful creation of embryos, Randy Roman decided that he could not go through with the procedure.  While he and his wife Augusta worked out their problems, they agreed to freeze the embryos.

Although the couple went to marriage counseling, it didn't work.  In 2003 they filed for divorce, 16 months after the embryos had been created.  They divided up property like any other couple-- she got the house, he got the big screen TV.  The one thing the couple could not agree on was the fate of the frozen embryos. 

The couple signed a form when they froze the embryos that gave the clinic permission to destroy the embryos if/when the couple divorced.  Augusta, however, wanted to take custody of the embryos and have them implanted while releasing her ex-husband of all parental (and financial) responsibilities.  Randy, however, said that he could not disavow his genetic off-spring, not matter what his relationship is with their mother.  The Los Angeles Times explains that most states consider embryos to be property with the potential for human life, not a human life which needs to be placed in one parents custody.

Many couples split up without any clear agreement about the fate of their un-implanted embryos.  Further complicating the situation is that there is, as yet, no federal precedent for settling such disputes.  The Los Angeles Times says:

To date, the top courts of six states have ruled in such cases. While the case particulars have varied, a trend has emerged. In general, the courts have held that the right of one ex-spouse to not procreate trumps that of the other to procreate.

As these kinds of court disputes become more and more common, there is a good chance that one will eventually come before the Supreme Court.  In the controversial Roe v. Wade decision the Justices avoided deciding when life began.  Augusta claims that she feels that she was already pregnant and that the embryos are her only chance for children.  Her ex-husband's lawyer says that defaulting embryo custody to the mother reduces men to the role of sperm donors in in-vitro fertilization and if his wife is allowed to have his children, he would not want to be forced out of their life.

Both Randy and Augusta have filed briefs with the Texas Supreme Court.

Whtiney Houston Wins Custody

by Ashley

Whitney Houston, whose on-again-off-again marriage to Bobby Brown, recently won custody of the couple's teen daughter.  Houston told a California judged that Brown is an unreliable parent and could not be expected to care for their daughter.  The BBC reports that in February Brown was jailed for failure to pay $19,000 in child support to the mother of his children from a previous relationship.  He was released after paying the woman, and spent only a few days in jail.

Both Houston and Brown have gone through publicly embarrassing periods in the past few years: Brown has been in and out of jail, and Houston in rehab.  Last October Houston filed for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences."  The judge in the case ruled their marriage would officially end on April 24.

The couple's split may be good news for, are you ready, Osama Bin Laden.  The New York Post reported last summer that the Al-Qaeda leader was "obsessed" with the singer and wanted to get rid of her husband... 

Ryan Seacrest's "Ryan's Roses"

by Ashley

Ryan Seacrest has his own morning radio show here in LA; each week Ryan runs a skit called "Ryan's Roses."  The basic idea is that his assistant calls someone (usually a man) and claims that they are calling from a new florist in the area and want to send a dozen free roses to someone of his choosing.  Unbeknownst to the man, his girlfriend/wife/date is on the phone.  Apparently, if he sends the roses to her he is faithful and if he sends them to someone else, he is cheating.  This is not a perfect system, of course, but it does the trick and is certainly entertaining.

Last week a young woman asked Ryan to call her father, who she suspected is cheating on her mother.  Turns out, the father is cheating and the young woman is (understandably) very upset.  This morning Ryan and his morning show team called the mother and asked her how she was coping with this news. 

Of course, this is a highly personal situation, and the mother (it seemed to me) was not interested in going into too many of the gory details.  She did, however, emphasize that she didn't think this necessarily meant they would get divorced.  Rather, this indicated that they had a lot of work to do and some important conversations in their future.  Despite Seacrest's best efforts to drum up some drama (including accusing her of having low self-esteem) this woman remains calm-- a nice trait to posses when you're husband's affair is outed by your daughter on a major morning radio show...

National Association of School Psychologists Have a Lot to Teach About Children and Divorce

by Wendy

I came across an interesting article on the website of the National Association of School Psychologists containing great tips for parents (and school administrators and teachers) on how to deal with children during and after a divorce. I highly recommend reading the entire article if this is a topic that has relevance to your life. I am excerpting a portion of it that I found particularly insightful below about the way that parents tend to deal with their children after a divorce.

"Parenting style (emphasis added) is an important factor in children's response to divorce. Some parents ... do not generally set limits or enforce rules or structure in the family. ...Children raised in this way are less likely to develop good self-control and can be aggressive or impulsive.

Other parents harshly enforce a variety of rigid rules with less warmth or respect for the children. Children raised in this way may turn out to be angry, defiant, and dishonest when dealing with others.

Still other parents neglect their children for the sake of their own needs and are simply not there for there children. Children raised in this way may develop a variety of psychological or behavioral problems."

So how should parents interact with their children after a divorce?

"The most protective style of parenting, and the one associated with the most well-adjusted children, is one where parents have rules, structure, and expectations for appropriate behavior. They are not afraid to back up their expectations with fair, consistent discipline. These parents are clearly the adults in the family, but they show respect and love for their children.  This style of raising children is probably the most powerful protection against the risks associated with divorce. To the extent that each parent can use this style of parenting, the children will fare better."

Well said.

Sara Evans' Latest Song and Dance

By Wendy

Sara Evans, the popular country singer who quit Dancing With The Stars when her marriage from Craig Schelske fell apart at the end of last year, is wrapping up the custody portion of her divorce case. The divorce made headlines after Evans accused Schelske of all sorts of things including pornography addiction. Schelske, not above the mud slinging, publicly accused Evans of having an affair.

The judge who was left with the unfortuanate job of deciding how custody of their three young children should be handled warned the couple to stop the negative rhetoric. "The Mother and Father will behave with each other and each child so as to provide a loving, sable, consistent, and nurturing relationship with the child even though they are divorced. They will not speak badly of each other or the members of the family of the other parent. They will encourage each child to continue to love  other parent and be comfortable in both families."

Now, if they will only listen....

Mrs. Jason Kidd Uses Her Kid

by Wendy Jaffe Esq

Soon to be divorced New Jersey Nets basketball star Jason Kidd has accused his wife Joumana of "kicking, hitting, punching and throwing household objects"and becoming "increasingly controlling and manipulative" in the last few years of their union."

Even worse, Joumana allegedly used her eight year old son to "spy" on his dad.

According to the Jason Kidd's complaint, Joumana Kidd told the couple's 8-year-old son on Dec. 27 to sneak into the Net's locker room and rummage through Jason Kidd's locker to find his cell phone. After looking up the names and numbers on it, the complaint said she left her son behind as she went upstairs to take a front row seat, where she shouted insults at Kidd throughout the game.

If true, Mrs. Kidd hates Kidd more than she loves her kid.

When one door shuts, another one opens

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

A story in the Sunday, November 19, 2006 New York Times's Style section caught my eye because it focused on the theme that life is truly unpredictable.

It seems that just over three years ago, Rachel Beth Cohen, a Connecticut woman and mother of a then 4-year-old son was in the midst of a divorce and about to attend the first of a series of classes the state mandates for divorcing parents. Apparently, she had wanted to invite her soon-to-be ex to go along, but her attorney thought better. Her lawyer counseled her to go solo because she might meet someone there.

Although she assured her attorney she was not looking for love, the seed was planted and the thought stuck in her mind.

As fate would have it, a handsome man sat across from her at that first meeting. Their eyes met. After the meeting, Simon John Beaumont asked Rachel Beth Cohen for her email address, so they could, as the story reports, discuss their respective divorces.

One email turned into hundreds, and eventually the couple met for a first date. Just a few months later, Simon asked Rachel what type of engagement ring she would like, which he promptly bought. Rachel was hesitant to accept it so soon after their initial meeting and instead proposed the couple get to know one another and each other's children better before making the commitment of marriage.

A year later, after family outings and vacations, she told him the time was right. The couple married Nov. 5, 2006 in Tarrytown, New York.

The story of Rachel Beth Cohen and Simon John Beaumont is a perfect example of the old adage that when one door closes, another one opens.

Talking To Children About Divorce

by Wendy Jaffe

I found a  great article on talking to your children about divorce on Divorce Magazine's online site.  Authors John Ventura and Mary Reid made the following great suggestions.

Break the News of Your Divorce With Your Spouse (if possible): This requires getting your story straight BEFORE you have the conversation. Keep in mind that you are demonstrating to your child that you will bel able to parent together after the divorce.

Timing: The old saying that "timing is everything" applies here. You don't want your kids to hear about your divorce from Grandma or their teacher. Tell them first.

Group or Individual: The authors suggest telling all of your children at the same time if  possilbe. The exception is where there is a big gap in their ages making a "group" discussion impossible. (For example, a three year old and a 12 year old). Their rationale is that it assures each child that they know the same thing as their siblings. Plus, there is always safety in numbers.

Opportunity to Ask Questions: Answer all of their questions even if they seem inconsequentuall to you. ('Where will Fido live?' 'Can I bring my special stuffed animal with me when I go to mom's house?') And keep an open line of communication after that initial conversation. Often times kids are so surprised that it takes some time for their questions to form.

Address Their Fears: The article notes that the following fears are very common among children when there is a divorce.

• The parent I no longer live with will leave me forever. 
• My parents’ divorce is my fault. 
• If I am really good, my parents will get back together. 
• I have to choose between my parents. I can’t have a relationship with both of them after they’re divorced. 
• My mother’s or father’s new significant other will replace my real parent. 
• My stepbrother or stepsister is going to replace me. 

Keep these in the back of your mind during the initial conversation about the divorce, and throughout the divorce process.

Check out the entire article before you have "The Conversation." You will be glad that you did.

A Step-Family That Works

By Wendy Jaffe

With all of the bad news that I usually hear concerning step-families (2 out of 3 divorce rate, dysfunctional relationships between the steps), I was thrilled to hear from a step-family that is thriving. In this family's situation, Dad #1 was a no show at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah, but Dad #2 stepped up to the plate and then some. Below are some of the words that they spoke to each other during the Bat Mitzvah service. As you can see, what makes a dad a dad has nothing to do with biology.

From Mom to her Husband:

You took on a lot more than just a wife when you married me. You had no way to know that you would have to step up to the role of father for a little girl who's natural father was not very involved.   You took on this role with love and patience and wisdom and kindness and without complaint. You have always been there for Jessica, doing everything for her that a father should do. You have always been there for me. Marriage can often be challenging  and  when two people with children marry it's even a greater one. We needed to work hard to blend our family. Not everyone is successful.  We were very fortunate. I always wondered if you could ever love Jessica the way you would love your natural children. I finally know the answer. I can't imagine a more loving father. I can't imagine a natural father doing more for his child than you have for Jessica. 

From step-dad to step-daughter:

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you today, how marvelous you were and how much I love you.   

Fate has brought us together.  You were a package deal, you and your mom.  I had only a son at that point; so I knew nothing of what having a daughter meant.  So here we are 8 years later and guess what, I’m still clueless about daughters (and girls in general), but I’m still trying.  All kidding aside, although I missed the first 4 plus years of your life, we’ve shared the last 8 or so.  And I couldn’t be happier.  You’ve been a welcome addition to my life and I am honored to be part of yours.

You have many special qualities, too many to list here, but one in particular I want to mention.  You have a certain swagger that is only you.   A swagger that says “I am Jessica”.  DO NOT ever lose that.  It is what makes you who you are.  And I know in my heart, it will take you and  lead you to great things in your life, a life in which I am very much looking forward to sharing with you. I missed the first four years but  I know, that I won’t be missing any more of those precious years.

Lucky mom, Lucky dad, Lucky kid.