Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Ladies....Speak Up....or Have a Heart Attack

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

The front page story in today's Los Angeles Times Health section focuses on the relationship between a wife's health and her method of resolving disputes with her husband. It seems that women who don't get things off their chest end up having bad things happen INSIDE their chest. "Married women who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease and other conditions than women who speak their minds..."
So what about the guys? Interestly, it seems that the same is not true of men: men who keep disagreements to themselves had the same life expectancy over a ten year period as men who spoke out.
According to Elaine A. Eaker, the lead author of the 10-year study, summed up the results this way: "When in conflict with your spouse, it helps to express yourself."
The article noted that while in general married men and women live longer than single ones (seven years for men, two years for women), "marital discord is linked to a higher risk of recurrent heart attack in women 30 to 65 and the severity of congetive heart failure in male and female patients."
So ladies, next time that you speak your mind remembering you are not only benefiting your relationship; you are benefiting your health.

Divorce and Older Marriages

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

In the "old" days, "young" marriages-those less than ten years old-were more vulnerable to divorce than older marriages. It seemed that if you made it past those earlier years, you and your spouse were sure to spend your golden years together. However, according to recent census data, your marriage is not innoculated from divorce simply because you have been married for a long time. The New York Times analyzed the census data and noted that "among Americans married in the 1950s, about 70 percent were still married by their 25th anniversay. Only 49.5 percent of men and 46.4 percent of women who married in the 1970s were married 25 years later. In a USA Today article on the same topic, Andrew Cherlin, a sociology professor at Johns Hopkins University says "Lots of divorces are occurring after the first decade of marriage. It's not the case that if you make it throuh the first 10 years, your marriage is divorce-proof."
The newly released Census information is based on detailed marital responses from 2004 of 27,000 men and 32,000 women as part of its periodic Survey of Income and Program participation.
The census information leaves no doubt that marriages are not innoculated from divorce after the ten year mark-couples are vulnerable to divorce throughout their marriage.
The bottom line? If you want to stay married, you need to be as viligant in watching for the symptoms of divorce in the later years of your marriage as you were in the early years.

Do High Real Estate Values Cause Divorce?

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

A great piece on the marital cost of high real estate values was reprinted on Chicagotribune.com. The article includes interviews of divorce attorneys, economists, and recently divorced couples who attribute the recent run-up in real estate values, especially in places like Manhattan, with a means to let less than happy married couples out of their marriage.

One woman who was interviewed for the piece traded in her mansion for her freedom. "Money is freedom" she said, "I don't need the mansion. We made enough money to be able to get divorced and suport two households."

And economists have studied the issue.

"Even though divorce rates are declining overall, as far back as 1977, the economist Gary Becker showed that couples experiencing any unexpected, drastic rise in net worth are at risk of divorce. (The same holds true for a drastic decline in net worth.)"

"Becker, who won a Nobel Prize in 1982, also explored in his divorce study the economic argument for what many people call trading up, or finding a trophy spouse. Noting that 75 percent of men and more than 70 percent of women remarry within 15 years of a divorce, he found that divorced men with higher earnings have the greatest likelihood of remarrying."

"This implied, in his view, that men who have come into wealth have an incentive to divorce because they believe they could better their situation. 'They feel, given their status now, they can find other people of a type that appeals to them more than when they got married, he said in a telephone interview.'"

Much of this is in line with what divorce attorneys told me when I wrote The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married. Drastic changes, up OR down, in marital wealth often leads to divorce. It is nice to have a Nobel Prize winner second that opinion.

The Secret to Canada's Low Divorce Rate

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

A story published on Northern Life.ca's website caught my eye. The headline blurted the amazing (by US standards) statistic that "two-thirds of Canadian marriages are successful." Before you and your spouse hop on the next jet to our northern neighbor, consider that the reason for Canadian couple's relationship success is related to something that is not exclusive to Canada: attitude.

The study that the story was based on looked at factors associated with the risk of marital breakdown. "Commitment to marriage as a source of happiness was a key factor associated with marital collapse."

Married people who believed that mariage was NOT very important to one's happiness ran a risk of failure that was three times as high as that among people who deemed it very important. The same held true for subsequent marriages. The risk of failure was also nearly three times higher among people who felt marriage was not very important for their happiness.

So let's take a tip from Canadians and equate successful marriages with a general feeling of happiness, eh?

What REALLY Makes a Relationship Last-Telling a Positive "Story"

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq

The cover story of today's Los Angeles Times Health Section looks at the science behind love. Contrary to popular myth, the organ that is really responsible for the euphoric feeling of love is not the heart, but the brain.

In addition to looking at the chemicals that propel us down the aisle in the first place, the Times included a sidebar titled "What makes a relationship last." I redacted my favorite parts below, but check out the entire sidebar because it is very interesting.

"Beyond the chemistry of passion and romance, at the intersection of feeling and understanding, lies the hope of happpily ever after. Researchers call this state compassionate love-the kind of love people feel after years of arguments, joy, tradgedies and successes mutually felt....

"Those who endure have a story, and they stick to it. Robert Sternberg, dean of the school of arts and science at Tufts University has researched this and has ome up with about two dozen relationship stories, some good, some bad. The 'fairy tale story' has a prince and a princess; the 'visionist story' is a business model, accumulating homes, goods and successful children, the 'travel story' says that life is a journey, the 'police story' divides the partners roles into cop and perp, with the former constantly monitoring the latter, the 'war story' means that two people expect constant fights. 'What our research shows is that couples tend to be more satisfied if they have matching story profiles, Sternberg says. Pair a fairy tale believer with a war story believer and 'it won't work' he says."

Now think about it. What is your "marriage story?"

Keeping Your Marriage Fit

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

I recently ran across an article in one of those "advertising supplements" about couples who exercise together which was very interesting. (Here is a link to another article on the same topic.)

The article profiled several couples who instead of growing apart after the kids left the nest, developed a shared passion for a physical activitity (tennis, hiking, biking).

And the piece cited an interesting study.

"Another prime benefit of having a spouse as a workout partner is that you're more likely to stick with your regimen, as [Jack Raglin, a research psychologist and kinesiology professor at Indiana University] discovered in research he conducted in 1995 on the exercisae habits of married couples.

In his twelve month study...Raglin compared 16 married couples who joined and exercise program together to 16 married men and 14 married women who joined without their spouses. After a year, 93% of the couples who enrolled together were still in the program. As for the married people who exercised alone, 43% had dropped out."

According to the participants, the spouses didn't want to let their partner down by stopping the program.

So next time you go to the gym, take your spouse along. It is a great way to keep both your marriage and body in great shape.

Another Reason NOT to Avoid Jury Duty

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

Just wanted to share this cute story from today's Los Angeles Times. The lesson of course is that we never know where love will find us.

Here it is:

"Love blossomed at a New York City murder trial last year between jurors Traci Nagy and Jonathan Cinkay. They picked up their marriage license last week, and Queens County Supreme Court Justice [in New York, the lower courts are known as "Supreme Courts"] Daniel Lewis, who presided over the case, is to marry them next month, a newspaper reported.
The two made goo-goo eyes on the first day, and fellow jurors encouraged Nagy, 36, to date Cinkay, 33.
The judge said he had noticed that rather than the usual somber panel, this jury seemed "full of beaming, happy people," but he "didn't imagine they were all playing matchmaker."

Unfortunately for the murder defendant, the jurors' love did not include him. He was convicted.

Kids and Happy Marriage No Longer Linked?

By Wendy Jaffe

It was one of those stories that was just everywhere. The results of a new Pew Research Center study supposedly "proved" that married people consider an equitable sharing of household chores to be more important than children where marital happiness is concerned. I didn't buy it. So, apparently unlike the mass media that bought the story hook, line, and sinker, I actually read the study. (Check it out. In addition to the Kid vs Marriage issue, it has a lot of interesting statistics concerning the truth about the growing trend of children born to single mothers.)

The Pew people apparently found that "Perhaps the single most striking finding from the survey, just 41% of Americans say children are "very important" to a successful marriage compared to 65% in 1990." Then they go on to note that chore sharing and fidelity are more important. To me that makes perfect sense. It reflects the realization that marriage is frequently challenging because in most marriages today both partners work making chore sharing an integral part of marital success. It also reflects the reality that infidelity is a major marriage wrecker--more so than children. So most people simply interpreted the question the same way that I would have if it had been asked of me. "What would/has made your marriage unhappy?"

If he media had bothered to read the entire survey they would have also learned that "The survey finds that while children may have become less central to marriage, they are as imporant as ever to their parents. Asked to weigh how important various aspects of their lives are to their personal happiness, parents PUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR CHILDREN ABOVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR SPOUSE [and every other relationship.]

Now why wasn't that the sound bite?

Weddings On a Budget

By Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

Nothing erases the romance of a wedding like returning from your all too short honeymoon to a stack of maxed out credit card statements. According to Sunday's Los Angeles Times Business Section, it is possible to have the wedding of your dreams without the nightmare of a pile of debt.

According to the article, brides and grooms have cut costs the following ways:

Gown: Go to sample sales to find dresses 80% of the retail price or buy a one time "used" dress for a fraction of the original cost through usedweddingdress.com, preownedweddingdresses.com and rsvpbridal.com.

Flowers: Ask the florist which flowers are in season during the time of your wedding and choose those for substantial savings.

Music: A growing trend for budget conscious couples to the "IPOD Wedding." You and your spouse bond while you choose the music that you both love and save on a bundle on a DJ or band.

Photos/Videos: The article suggests that this is one area where you might want to pay retail considering that you will have your pictures forever. However, the bride interviewed for the article was fortunate to have camera savvy guests who volunteered to take photographs. Throw away cameras on each table are also a great idea for candid shots.

Cutting Courses and the Guest List: With a five course sit down dinner in New York running $305 per person, this is a great place to cut. Use food stations instead for substantial savings. When making the guest list think hard about who you want to share the day with.

With all of the money that you saved, start planning for your first anniversary second honeymoon. That is a lot more romantic than a pile of credit card bills!

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Even After Drunken Tape

By Ashley

David Hasselhoff won custody of his teenage children even after a tape was leaked that showed him drunk and trying to eat a hamburger.  Although Hasselhoff is excited about getting custody of his kids, the actor still has some anger about the tape's release.  People Magazine quotes Hasselhoff:

A private moment like that in anyone's life should never be exploited like that, especially if your children are involved. That's when this thing happened – that's when I said: Nobody plays that card.

The tape emerged on the internet to much jeering just as Hasselhoff's years-long custody battle with Pamela Bach intensified.  After Friday's hearing Bach fired her attorney and hired Mark Vincent Kaplan who represented Brittney Spears earlier this year. 

In mid-August the couple will come back to court for another custody hearing.  Their divorce trial is set to begin October 1.  For now, Hasselhoff says that his kids are ready to put all this, including the tape, behind them.