Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Young and Divorced-- The "Baby Divorcée"

by Ashley

Nobody expects it to happen to them, but more and more people in their twenties are getting married... and divorced before they turn 30.  MSN points out that the term for these young and divorced, baby divorcee, may not be flattering, but it does describe a growing segment of the population who a unique set of challenges.  Experts point to Generation X and Y's "one-click" mindset.  Today's twenty and thirty-somethings grew up with the idea of makeovers, that something new was always just around the bend, and that if you don't like something you can change it-- instantly.  But, as one author points out:

No one is saying that 20-somethings don’t mind being divorced — they do indeed — but they may be more willing to view divorce as a viable option than those who are somewhat older. And of course, there’s the fact that in early, brief marriages, there may not be children involved. That’s another factor that makes it somewhat less onerous for couples to break up.

Getting back into the dating world is tough for anyone.  Even though it is difficult, a person in their twenties actually may have it easier in the post-divorce dating pool.  More people in their 20s go to bars than people in their 40s, and are more willing to go outside their comfort zone.  Plus, if the divorcee doesn't have children, it can be much easier to balance dating with family and work obligations.

The real question for people in their twenties is when to disclose your marital past.  By your forties, divorce is common, but in your twenties there is a fine line between honesty and too much information.  One expert says there is no need to bring it up until you sense that there is a connection.  Hopefully, if you've divorced in your 20s, you will learn from past mistakes.  Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible skeleton in your closet if you're willing to acknowledge your past and move on.

Post Divorce Vacation

by Wendy Jaffe, Esq.

This in from Sunday's Los Angeles Times Travel section: "Yes there is life after divorce, and you can prove it while basking in the sun on a beachfront balcony on the Pacific coast of Mexico. Celebrate the beginning of the next phase of your life with the Ultimate Divorce Vacation, a new package at the Grand Velas Resort near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Guests receive an ocean-view suite, four hours of spa rejuvenation and a consultation with a jeweler who will help you explore the next challenge: what to do with your wedding ring. The package doesn't come cheap: From May 13 to December 21 it si $870 per night single occupancy, or $537 per person per night. .... Information: (877) 398-2784, grandwelas.com" And what better place to meet your next spouse.....

Majority of Women Now Live Without a Spouse

by Ashley

More fascinating news from the census: 51% of women now live without a spouse.  The New York Times reports that in 1950 only 35% of women lived without a spouse and in 2000, it was still 49%.  Several social trends may account for this shift.  First, women are marrying later in life than they were 50 years ago, are staying unmarried after a divorce or husband's death longer, and young couples now live together without marriage for longer periods of time.  Second, about 70% of African-American women do not live with a spouse.  The rate in the Hispanic and Asian community is closer to the national average. 

Although some couples are separated temporarily (by a tour in the military, for example) the overall trend indicates a shift to unmarried women.  An expert quoted in the article asserts:

Although we can help people ‘do’ marriage better, it is simply delusional to construct social policy or make personal life decisions on the basis that you can count on people spending most of their adult lives in marriage.

Interestingly, men are now statistically more likely to be living with a spouse then women are.  Many of the same factors account for this.  For example, men tend to remarry more quickly after a death or divorce.

These social shifts may ultimately change the way social and workplace policy is created. 

When one door shuts, another one opens

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

A story in the Sunday, November 19, 2006 New York Times's Style section caught my eye because it focused on the theme that life is truly unpredictable.

It seems that just over three years ago, Rachel Beth Cohen, a Connecticut woman and mother of a then 4-year-old son was in the midst of a divorce and about to attend the first of a series of classes the state mandates for divorcing parents. Apparently, she had wanted to invite her soon-to-be ex to go along, but her attorney thought better. Her lawyer counseled her to go solo because she might meet someone there.

Although she assured her attorney she was not looking for love, the seed was planted and the thought stuck in her mind.

As fate would have it, a handsome man sat across from her at that first meeting. Their eyes met. After the meeting, Simon John Beaumont asked Rachel Beth Cohen for her email address, so they could, as the story reports, discuss their respective divorces.

One email turned into hundreds, and eventually the couple met for a first date. Just a few months later, Simon asked Rachel what type of engagement ring she would like, which he promptly bought. Rachel was hesitant to accept it so soon after their initial meeting and instead proposed the couple get to know one another and each other's children better before making the commitment of marriage.

A year later, after family outings and vacations, she told him the time was right. The couple married Nov. 5, 2006 in Tarrytown, New York.

The story of Rachel Beth Cohen and Simon John Beaumont is a perfect example of the old adage that when one door closes, another one opens.

September 11th Widows...5 Years Later

By Wendy Jaffe

The brother-in-law of a close friend of mine died on September 11th. That September 11th. He had the bad luck of working on one of those few floors of the World Trade Center where no one made it out. It has been five years since my friend's sister lost her husband, and for five years I have been receiving updates on her "emotional condition." The first few years weren't pretty. Depression, lack of interest in the outside world, everything that you would expect to hear about someone in that situation. But recently, I received an unexpected update. It seems Kate is "in love again." And, judging from the articles, TV shows, etc. that follow the lives of the women who lost their husbands when our country was attacked, she is not unique.

Oftentimes, people in the midst of a divorce compare their situation to going through a death...but without the sympathy that death illicits from others. (And talk about lack of sympathy-consider the situation where an ex-spouse dies.) But the interesting thing, is that even in the midst of the most painful, vicious, and acromonious  divorces that you can imagine, people still hold out hope that they will meet someone else, fall in love, and share their life with someone else. Again.

Despite all that is inconsistent and unpredictable in the world (have you been watching ABC's Path to 9/11?) , and despite the bleak statistics about second marriages, most people who have lost a spouse through death or divorce continue to re-marry in huge numbers.

And on this anniversary of the worst day in America's recent history, that is something to celebrate.

The Clone Syndrome

by Wendy Jaffe

The Clone Syndrome is alive and well! Today, I was told yet another story of a woman who divorced a controlling alcoholic only to become engaged to yet another controlling alcoholic. ("He doesn't drink THAT much," she explained.) In short, her soon to be second husband is a clone of the one she recently divorced. So why do we tend to choose the same person over and again, and how does one break out of the Clone Syndrome?

According to Dr. Kevin B. Skinner, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, to create change, we have to learn how to break the cycle. He suggests sitting down and asking yourself the following questions:
a) Do I seem to date the same type of people? Make a list of the characteristics of the people you date. Are they emotionally healthy or unhealthy?
b) Do I do the same unhealthy things in my relationships (i.e., become jealous, become overly critical)?
c) What do I need to change to be more successful in my relationships?
d) Do I date people who are in need of me? Are you caught in the cycle of fixing others?

He suggests that as you review these questions, you take some time to write down your answers. Look at them seriously and identify the things that you need to change to be more successful in creating the necessary changes in your life.

And, most importantly, consider whether or not your current relationship is a "clone" of the previous failed one.

Aniston Announces Her Next Beau

by Ashley

Jennifer Aniston, reports the UK's gossip website FemaleFirst.co.uk, announced that, yes, she and Vince Vaughn are an item.  Many months after her split from Brad Pitt, and weeks after the Hollywood gossip machine started rumbling about an Aniston-Vaughn hook up, they've made the official announcement.

Hopefully Aniston has learned form her experience with Pitt.  Since communication problems are often at the root of other marital problems (be it money, sex, or "just growing apart") its a good sign that she and Vaughn can laugh together.  Vaughn explains their bond:

When you're younger, you have your priorities in a different place, but as you get older, I think having someone who makes you laugh and who you have a friendship and a trust with becomes important.

Of course, there is always the risk that they will end up the fodder of Hollywood speculation-- announcing the pairing just as "The Breakup" is hitting theaters?  Sounds a little like the Tom-Kat publicity stunt for MI:III.  Only time will tell if their friendship will help guide them through the stresses of second marriages, life in the public eye, and dealing with a very public ex-husband and his very public new baby.

Link Female First article