Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Financial Obligations Tied to a Ring's Romantic Symbolism

Until the 1930s, writes Meghan O'Rourke in Slate.com, a woman jilted by her husband could sue for financial compensation for the damage to her reputation caused by a canceled wedding.  These cases were known as "Breach of Promise to Marry" actions.  During the 1930s these laws began to be overturned. 

As these laws faded away and judges awarded women fewer damages, the diamond ring became a symbol of a man's commitment (financial and otherwise) to marry his fiance.  Back then, a woman technically had to be a virgin if she wanted to marry.  Many women, however, lost their virginity during their engagement so a financial obligation was important.  The "Breach of Promise" actions were a way to prevent what people feared would be a promise-seduce-and-abandon scenario.

Now, however, most women do not consider marriageability (or their virginity) their major asset.  Further, most women imagine a marriage where housework, child rearing, and working are equally divided responsibilities.  Thus, argues O'Rourke, the ring is really a throw back to antiquated gender roles and an "outmoded commodity."  In addition, men do not have to wear a similar sign of commitment before the wedding day.  It is telling that in many Scandinavian countries, where gender attitudes are much more egalitarian, that both men and women wear an engagement ring.

Young and Divorced-- The "Baby Divorcée"

by Ashley

Nobody expects it to happen to them, but more and more people in their twenties are getting married... and divorced before they turn 30.  MSN points out that the term for these young and divorced, baby divorcee, may not be flattering, but it does describe a growing segment of the population who a unique set of challenges.  Experts point to Generation X and Y's "one-click" mindset.  Today's twenty and thirty-somethings grew up with the idea of makeovers, that something new was always just around the bend, and that if you don't like something you can change it-- instantly.  But, as one author points out:

No one is saying that 20-somethings don’t mind being divorced — they do indeed — but they may be more willing to view divorce as a viable option than those who are somewhat older. And of course, there’s the fact that in early, brief marriages, there may not be children involved. That’s another factor that makes it somewhat less onerous for couples to break up.

Getting back into the dating world is tough for anyone.  Even though it is difficult, a person in their twenties actually may have it easier in the post-divorce dating pool.  More people in their 20s go to bars than people in their 40s, and are more willing to go outside their comfort zone.  Plus, if the divorcee doesn't have children, it can be much easier to balance dating with family and work obligations.

The real question for people in their twenties is when to disclose your marital past.  By your forties, divorce is common, but in your twenties there is a fine line between honesty and too much information.  One expert says there is no need to bring it up until you sense that there is a connection.  Hopefully, if you've divorced in your 20s, you will learn from past mistakes.  Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible skeleton in your closet if you're willing to acknowledge your past and move on.

Waking Up to Your Relationship's Reality

by Ashley

Five woman told MSN what the "wake up" moments were in their relationships.  All their stories are different-- for some it was issues with their step children, one had to come to terms with her husband's affairs, and still others had to learn to communicate-- but each couple faced fairly common problems.  The couples' responses to their situation were unique, some tried counseling, some split, and some turned to anti-depressants or personal therapy.

Although their stories brief, they provide an interesting insight into when relationships are worth fighting for and when it is best to cut your losses.  When these women had their "wake up" moments they knew if they were waking up to leaving or waking up to working on the problems.  Take a look at the MSN piece, do any of these situations sound familiar?

Transplant Brings Couple (Back) Together

by Ashley

Five years ago and after 10 years of marriage, Chip and Cindy Altemos agreed to separate, begin seeing other people, and begin divorce proceedings.  The two decided to split up because of the "woes and troubles" each had brought from their previous marriages.  However, when Chip was diagnosed with kidney failure Cindy offered him one of her kidneys.  She told the Associated Press "he was still my husband."

As a former phlebotomist Cindy knew exactly what Chip faced.  When they married, she knew he'd had juvenile diabetes and promised to be a donor.  She donated her kidney this February, and the transplant has ended talk of divorce.  This October the couple will celebrate their 17th marriage anniversary.  Chip explained:

We’re still together.  I guess just being around each other, we slowly fell back in love again.

Spreading Out Valentine's Day

I once heard a comedian try to explain women's idea of romance to men. It went something like this: "Guys, you think that you do one great thing for your lady and then you can coast for awhile, right? Wrong! Every thoughtful thing that you do for your woman is worth one point. It doesn't matter what the thing is. ONE POINT. Make the bed? One point. Buy her a new Mercedes? One point. Fold the laundry one point. Take your mother-in-law with you on a round the world crusie? One point. EVERYTHING is worth one point."

This brings us to Valentine's Day. Guys frequently knock themselves out for this one day-flowers, fancy restaurant, beautiful gift- and then think that after the Valentine's Day romance fest is over they can coast for awhile. But remember, one point. Which brings me to my point.

Relationships don't last because of one "perfect" romantic day a year. Valentine's Day is great because it forces us to make a Love Appointment. But the key to making relationships last is to make many Love Appointments throughout the year. Make, and keep, a weekly date night. Make, and keep, a daily telephone, email, or text date. All year.

Guys, if get my point, you will get your point.

Is a lifetime commitment possible?

By Wendy

Look what I found. Any of you that have questioned whether a lifetime commitment is possible need to spend two minutes watching this. And you might want to have tissue handy.

http://www.songofsongs.tv/partners/aol.html

AOL/Women's Day Poll Reveals Half of Women Would Say "I Don't"

By Wendy Jaffe

As some of you already know, I have been fortunate to be included by AOL in their "Coaching" program. One great perk of being an AOL relationship coach is that I received the hot-off-the-press results of a poll that was conducted by Women's Day magazine and AOL concerning women's general happiness with their selection of a spouse--a topic that had previously been largely ignored by the main stream media.

The pollsters asked women whether or not they would marry their spouse again. A staggering 36% of married women said they would definitely not marry their spouse again. An additional 20% said that they weren't sure if they would marry them or not. REMEMBER, this is a poll of people who are still married; it obviously doesn't include those who have already ended their marriages.

So what's up? Why are so many women dissatisfied with the man that they chose at one time to be their husband "'til death do us part?"

The answer must be that the men these women married changed drastically, the moment wedding rings were slipped on their fingers, right? NOPE!

What happened in most of these cases is that the now dissatisfied women ignored clear warning signs that the man they picked to marry was not ideal husband material in the first place.

And most of the time the flags were not hidden; they were simply ignored by women who thought that love alone was enough to sustain a marriage.

Below are the most common "warning flags" and the rationalizations that women use to get past them.

The Money Flag: One of us is a compulsive spender and the other is a compulsive saver. Rationalization: We will balance each other out and be good influence on each other.

Different Goals and Values Flag:  I want a baby and he doesn't OR I work 24/7 and he likes to lay on the beach OR I want to live in a big city and he wants to live in the country. Rationalization: Because we love each other, we will be able to work these differences out after we are married.

Addiction Flag:  He parties A LOT. Rationalization: He said he would stop once we had kids.

Verbal/Physical Abuse Flag: Sometimes he cuts me down in public, and he hit me, but just once. Rationalization: He puts me down in public to make himself look good because his third grade teacher made him feel inadequate so I understand it. He hit me because he thought I was flirting with his friend. He said that because he loves me so much, he just "lost it." (And he bought me flowers so now everything is OK.)

Unrealistic ExpectationsFlags: He will change (fill in the blank) once we are married OR The basis of our relationship is romance and it will always be that way.

Do you fall into the "I would marry him again" or the "I wouldn't marry him again" half? If you would marry him again, why? And if you wouldn't marry him again, why?

The Female Brain

By Wendy Jaffe

The author of the new book The Female Brain was interviewed in this month's More magazine. Her premise is that a lot of those differences that we seem to notice about men and women are hardwired in the brain, and in our differing hormones.

Here is what she said to More magazine about our relationships with men after the children pack their suitcases and ipods and head off to college:

"What I found with many clients is that once the kids leave the house, redefining their relationships with their husbands is one of the biggest challenges they face. No one has considered to what degree this might be due to changed brain circuitry, but I suspect there is something going on there.

In one client's case, the calming effects of progesterone and oxytocin [after menopause] weren't there to cool off her anger. She found herself confronting her husband with regularity, venting decades of pent-up rage. She found herself more unhappy than she had ever allowed herself to be, and she blamed him. Clearly she had legitimate complaints about him, but truthfully, he hadn't changed; she was changing. She was being less of a victim, getting angry, and it was causing friction. Since this couple had never learned to resolve their disagreements, she had to take the more drastic step and separate from him for a while. Other women may just need to go out and do something for themselves: get a degree, change to a more satisfying career, take up a new hobby that's just for them....

These clients' stories are very common. After the age of menopause, 65 percent of divorces are initiated by women, not men; the phrase after menopause is the key here. The government statistics don't say that . They say "after age 50" and that's one year before the average age of menopause."

Please read the bold/italicized sentence again. I think it is the key here. Menopause, time, and life changes all conspire to undo relationships. The key is to learn how to resolve inevitable disagreements, BEFORE that calming hormone oxytocin dissipates!

Believing in fortune cookie fortunes

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

I know it sounds hokie, but sometimes fortune cookie fortunes are pretty darn wise.

While out for dinner with my husband and friends earlier this evening, I excitedly ripped pff the plastic wrapper from my fortune cookie because, darn it, I love how they taste dunked in hot tea. While delighting in my melted fortune cookie, I always read the enclosed fortune. Who hasn't passed their fortune around exclaiming, "What does yours say?"

Because I read the fortune, I am proud to say I have gained Eternal Knowledge direct from the Mighty Buddha. Or, the Three Wise Men. Or whomever has the patience to type those expressions on those itty, bitty slips of paper. No matter the source, I will always cherish the sage sayings gleaned from fortune cookies throughout my life. For example, I am positive I would not be where I am today if once my fortune cookie hadn't warned me: "Look both ways when crossing the paths of life." Or, incredibly, just days after graduating law school in 1990, my fortune cookie read, "You will make a great lawyer."

So, at dinner earlier this evening, while dining with my husband and a couple who were at our wedding 13 years ago, and us at theirs one year later, my mind momentarily wandered from the chatter and laughter at our table. During that moment, my eyes were transfixed by wise words glaring back at me from the tiny slip of paper from my fortune cookie. "Love today like tomorrow it can be lost," urged my fortune cookie fortune.

Those eight little words reminded me how fragile love and life are, and how thankful I am for both.

A CSNY Compromise: A Lesson Learned

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

As I endured my first (and last) Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young concert last night, seated next to my more-than-musically-delighted husband of 13 years, my mind had plenty of time to wander. You see, it seems the band's music and message pre-date me by at least a decade, and while my husband is only three years older than me, we're centuries apart in musical taste.

He's a great sport when it comes to accompanying me to the various performances and concerts that often fill our social calendar. Whereas I scour entertainment and event calendars to bone up on who, when and where my favorite show, author or band will be performing, he just goes with the flow and joins me for whatever it is I've bought tickets for.   Do I wish he'd care about Broadway theater or divine songstress Diana Krall? Definitely. There have been times when I took it personally that he went along but fell asleep during performances. I wanted so badly for him to enjoy the show just as much as I did, to get just as excited as I was about whatever it was we were experiencing. But, over time, something miraculous happened. I mellowed. Believe me, it didn't happen overnight or even over five years, but it did eventually happen. I realized his napping was not a reflection of his love for me but rather a practically uncontrollable display of his out-and-out boredom! I also realized he was very nice to go along to all these shows when he really didn't care about them at all!

So, OK, I decided, he didn't have to go to every show or catch every curtain call with me just because I enjoyed the roar of the greasepaint. I started asking friends to go to shows while he happily stayed home with our two children. While I missed his company, I must admit I enjoyed not spending the money on his ticket only for him to nap through the show. And I didn't worry about our boys, either, because they were spending time with their dad, not some sitter.

So, there I sat at the CSNY concert last night, more disinterested than I am in Paris Hilton's latest 'hot' happening, and when I woke up from my nap, I thought...'Wow, now I really understand what he went through.'

Marriage is about compromise. It's about showing your support for your partner by letting them do what makes them happy, even if you're not doing it with them. If CSNY comes back to town, will I accompany my husband to the show, just to say, 'I saw them when...'? NO WAY! But I also won't stand in his way of going and enjoying his moments of mellowness. I don't understand why he likes their music so much, but then again, I don't have to.