Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married

Step-Families, Like Teenagers, Need their Space

by Ashley

Many children of divorce end up shuffling between their parents' homes.  When families grow, with half-siblings or step-siblings, homes can get cramped.  One remarried mother said of her mixed family, "we were always in each other's faces."  The space challenges of mixed families require a new kind of home design that makes everyone feel comfortable, the New York Times explains.

Therapists and family members say that creating these spaces is a real challenge.  Having a place in a home, for adults and children of all ages, is an important part of feeling like a family.  Visiting children need to feel like a room is theirs and that they belong in the rest of the home too.  The Times article explains that "age, personality, privacy, full- or part-time residency and even sexuality can add to the emotional and architectural complexity."  Hurt feelings can stem from something as mundane as closet space or wall color. 

Experts are quick to point out that children to not need their own bedroom, just a space that feels like theirs and in which they are comfortable.  Involving all a couple's children in designing the space is a good way to encourage the family to work as a unit and to find out what each child needs and wants. Decorating a room for a child is less important than giving them a clean, quiet, and nurturing space to live full or part-time. 

Part of step-family's home design should take into consideration where the parents' room will be.  Experts tend to agree that the couple's room should be somewhat removed from the children's sleeping area.  An expert commented that "any hint of sexuality in these situations makes children extremely uncomfortable."  In addition, newly weds need their own space to bond and share their lives outside their role as parents and step-parents.

More important than the sleeping situation, however, is a large communal space where the family can come together to work, play, or relax.  Older stepchildren in particular, one expert explained, have a tendency to withdraw into their rooms, so having a large public space in the home can help draw them out.  Martial and familial harmony is more important than any furniture or room set-up.

Surviving the First Year: TomKat Style

by Ashley

Now that the wedding bells are silent and pre-wedding hoopla in the past, how are Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise doing?  Many experts, and most married people too, will tell you the first year of marriage is the hardest.  Of course, the new Mr. & Mrs. Cruise have a new baby, the paparazzi, an age difference, and people all over the world endlessly speculating on all the weird Scientology bits in their marriage.

So far, so good.  MSN reports that the couple spent most of Super Bowl weekend in Miami locking lips and (badly) dancing to J-Lo and Marc Anthony's performances.  In fact, Katie explains:

I am very grateful. Tom makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and has since the day I met him... I love being with him. I love calling him husband.

Of course, the press has been very harsh on Katie-- referring to her as "Suri's mom" and "the one-time starlet"-- and her relationship with Tom Cruise.  Whether you think these two are actually in love or just keeping up appearances almost doesn't matter.  I'm sure these two will keep all of us guessing about the "truth" behind their relationship until.. well... probably until Suri writes a book.

Kidaholics-Not Just Women

By Wendy Jaffe

I received an email this week which made me think that a clarification on the definition of "kidaholic" is in order. A kidaholic is typically a mother who directs all of her energy to her children leaving the husband feeling like the low man on the totem pole. The word "typically" is an important part of the definition.

The letter I received was from a woman who married a man with two children who he dotes on. His second wife (the letter writer) loves his kids, but wants some "couple time" as well. Her husband has told her emphatically that is not going to happen, and has asked for a divorce.

Of course, this type of kidaholism is typical in second marriages where custody is split. Fathers frequently feel like they have to "make up to their kids for the divorce" and any sort of discipline goes out the window. (In this case, the step-mother mentioned that the father continually gives them soda and candy rather than the healthier food that she has suggested.) Where is the step-mother in all of this? She is basically made to look like the uncaring villian because she has requested some "couple time."

There is nothing sexist about kidaholism: it is an equal opportunity marriage buster.

A Step-Family That Works

By Wendy Jaffe

With all of the bad news that I usually hear concerning step-families (2 out of 3 divorce rate, dysfunctional relationships between the steps), I was thrilled to hear from a step-family that is thriving. In this family's situation, Dad #1 was a no show at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah, but Dad #2 stepped up to the plate and then some. Below are some of the words that they spoke to each other during the Bat Mitzvah service. As you can see, what makes a dad a dad has nothing to do with biology.

From Mom to her Husband:

You took on a lot more than just a wife when you married me. You had no way to know that you would have to step up to the role of father for a little girl who's natural father was not very involved.   You took on this role with love and patience and wisdom and kindness and without complaint. You have always been there for Jessica, doing everything for her that a father should do. You have always been there for me. Marriage can often be challenging  and  when two people with children marry it's even a greater one. We needed to work hard to blend our family. Not everyone is successful.  We were very fortunate. I always wondered if you could ever love Jessica the way you would love your natural children. I finally know the answer. I can't imagine a more loving father. I can't imagine a natural father doing more for his child than you have for Jessica. 

From step-dad to step-daughter:

I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you today, how marvelous you were and how much I love you.   

Fate has brought us together.  You were a package deal, you and your mom.  I had only a son at that point; so I knew nothing of what having a daughter meant.  So here we are 8 years later and guess what, I’m still clueless about daughters (and girls in general), but I’m still trying.  All kidding aside, although I missed the first 4 plus years of your life, we’ve shared the last 8 or so.  And I couldn’t be happier.  You’ve been a welcome addition to my life and I am honored to be part of yours.

You have many special qualities, too many to list here, but one in particular I want to mention.  You have a certain swagger that is only you.   A swagger that says “I am Jessica”.  DO NOT ever lose that.  It is what makes you who you are.  And I know in my heart, it will take you and  lead you to great things in your life, a life in which I am very much looking forward to sharing with you. I missed the first four years but  I know, that I won’t be missing any more of those precious years.

Lucky mom, Lucky dad, Lucky kid.

Gay Adoption Increasing

By Wendy Jaffe

Last night I sat next to a gay male couple at a dinner party who were in the process of attempting to adopt a child. One of the men spoke about cutting his long work hours back in the event that an adoption went through. Truly, both of these wannabe dads spoke about the upcoming adoption just like any straight couple who were attempting to navigate that world.

Anyway, I thought about how little we know about kids who are raised by gay parents. I attempted to do some research online, and found many articles about gay adoptions on about.com, but was unable to locate anything on the ramifications to children, if any, of having gay parents. (Of course, there is the surprisingly frequent situation where a husband or wife comes out of the closet, after many years of marriage to a straight spouse, and the children end up having a gay mom or dad, but that is a different case.)

If any of you have any info on the subject, or even first hand experience, I would love to hear your thoughts.

How to be a professional juggler, or, how to balance parenthood with a career

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

If you've ever had to choose between watching your child portray the leading role in a play or give an important presentation at work, you were forced  to prioritize. You might have rationalized. No matter what, you had to make a choice. One that no matter what you decided, could have negatively impacted your relationship with your child, spouse, your colleagues at work or even your boss.

Juggling parenthood with professionalism isn't easy. You don't need to be told that. But, if you're becoming increasingly stressed, distracted or overwhelmed by having to make the family vs. work decision more frequently, a recent AOL article on parenting might help.

For example, a single dad quoted in the story, looking to change career paths while raising his teenage daughter, took on-line college courses to bolster his education. He says the instructors are helpful and accessible and he's thrilled to be available to his daughter, with whom he is very close. "'There are other jobs, but I have only one family,'" he says.

One of the women quoted in the story, a single mother of three, telecommutes as a finance director for a nonprofit educational program. Sure, her days are hectic. She says she wakes up at 5 am and gets to bed around midnight. Email and special accounting software help her meet her work-related duties from home or on the laptop her employer provided. When she was married, she and her spouse split up the parenting duties. Divorced eight years, she says single parenting has proven to be the '"biggest challenge of her life'" because she has to do everything herself.

But you didn't need to be told that, either.

Decorating Tips to Prevent a House Divided

by Ashley

Couples get lots of marriage advice, but very little on how to actually make a home.  Moving vans deposit boxes marked "his" and "hers" and suddenly a new couple has to bring it all together.  Often, writes Davis Remignanti of Furniture.com, couples are made up of one design oriented person and one "its just a chair" person.  He offers the following tips to help you make your new house a home and avoid fighting about the difference between butter and cream colored paint.

Remignanti says to make a budget and stick to it.  Set spending limits, plan to save for larger pieces of furniture, and evaluate if this is going to be your "forever" dining room set, or just something for now.  He also encourages couples to use the decorating process to grown and learn about each others tastes.  Buy magazines, newspapers, and books, he says, go through them while you talk to each other about what you like, don't like, and can't believe made it in the magazine.  You'll not only discover new things about your partner, but finding common ground before you pay hundreds of dollars for a couch will save you a lot of stress down the road.

Link to Furniture.com press release

Common Myths Surrounding Stepfamilies

by Ashley

The Stepfamily Association of America posted a list of the eight most common myths surrounding the formation of stepfamilies.  Among the myths are things like "adjustment is easier if one parent has died," and "children of divorce are always damaged for life."  The SAA notes:

Myth #4 - Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope or expectation is that once the wedding vows are spoken life will return to normal (whatever that is), you are going to be disappointed.

The list of myths is part of a larger Stepfamily status report published by the SAA.  You can also look at stepfamily facts.  For example, current US population data does not adequately address the growing stepfamily population because it counts children only where the reside.

Link to SAA myth page